Archive for January 2012

What about the kids: Your Relationship Success/Failure affects them too. Part II of II   2 comments

Yesterday, I spoke on how being bitter and angry at the parent of your children and using them as pawns against the other parent affects them.  While I didn’t go into depth like I should have, I can always revisit this topic because there is a lot that needs to be said on this very sensitive subject. Now for my “disclaimer” of sorts;  I just want to let everyone know that I’m about to make a lot of people feel some type of way (mad) by what I’m about to say but I must warn you, if you do get mad there is a reason because you see yourself in what I am saying.  So instead of being mad about it, do something about it because it’s not about you it’s about your children and the example you are setting for them in the long run.

If you are divorced, separated, or single, stop introducing your kids to every man or woman you date and for Pete’s sake, don’t bring your one night stand, friend with benefits (FWB), jump off or side-piece to your house and expose them to your kids.  A revolving door of “uncles” and “aunts” confuses your children, causes attachment issues and doesn’t show them what a real, healthy relationship is because you aren’t in one. 

I know I’m not the only one that has touched upon this topic before because Steve Harvey talks about it in his book “How to Think Like a Man and Act Like A Lady”, Michael Baisden has discussed this topic on his syndicated radio show several times so it’s not like you’ve not heard it before.  I’m pretty sure anyone with a set of morals has told you this on several occasions or at the very least has given you the “look” and just shook their head in complete disbelieve that you’ve moved in yet another  person for the kids to call “auntie” or “uncle”. 

Call me over protective of my kids but I call it having a respect for my little folks (who aren’t so little anymore but still).  Most people I know don’t even know where I live so there is no way in the world I’m going to let some guy I just met come to my house and meet my kids if I’m not going to be serious with them and even if I am, it’s going to take a long time before he even gets to that stage of knowing where I live let alone meeting my children.  Even if they are just friends (not with benefits) they don’t know my kids and they won’t see my kids unless they happen to see me on the street and I’ll introduce them by name.  My kids are nosy enough to ask me after the person leaves, how I know them but it’s still not their business how I know them or where I know them from.  If I want to bring someone to my home, I make sure my kids are not at home and will not be at home any time soon.  In other words, they are spending the night with their father or with a friend.  However, seeing as how my children act as though they are nearly terrified to leave me alone, I don’t have very many visitors of the male persuasion. 

Having said that, why do people act as though children are dumb and can’t see or hear?  When you least expect it, know that you are being watched and heard, by your kids.  They see and hear everything whether you want them to or not.  They see mom with a different guy darn near weekly or they see a different guy every day.  Dad is introducing them to a different woman all the time and calling her “friend” or whatever it is that they call them these days.  Too many times I have seen parents not think that their kids aren’t listening or watching them but then want to be upset when they repeat the same behavior that they do “thinking they are grown”.  Children aren’t just smart when it’s convenient for you, they are fully aware of what is going on even if they don’t understand it.    

Children who grow up with parents who do this tend to have attachment issues that turn into commitment issues because when mom or dad brings home another person and they are around for a little amount of time, children tend to get attached and when that person is gone they have to start all over again with someone new.  This tends to make children skiddish about becoming attached to the next person that comes around and it can carry over into their adult life.  A healthy, long term relationship is what kids need to be exposed to not anything fly by night. 

Another way it could affect the kids is that if you don’t know the person (and not their representative*) you don’t know who you are bringing into your home.  Now I’m about to go worst case scenario on you with this one because it is warranted and you should be afraid.   What if the man or woman you bring into your home likes young girls or young boys and you don’t know it?  What happens when you trust this person alone with your kids?  What about the person who has no experience with infants or small children and doesn’t have the patience to deal with them and you just “run to the store” to grab something and you come back and your kid is dead because they couldn’t take the crying? 

Did I scare you?  If I did, that’s good because you need to be afraid.  You don’t know who you are bringing into your house.  These are the things I think about before I expose my children to anyone I may come across.   They are my number one priority as your children should be yours, if not you are selfish and don’t deserve them.

How do you expect them to know what a healthy relationship looks like when you can’t get yourself together long enough to be in one?  I call this “perpetuating the cycle” and it needs to stop.  It’s bad enough the African-American community is falling apart from the inside out, but when bad behavior is continued on through generation after generation, someone has to stop the cycle.  Why not let that someone be you?

You are probably wondering when is a good time to introduce the kids to the “new guy/girl?”  Well that depends on how well you know the person, your level of commitment to one another and whether your kids are ready.  Gradually introducing that new someone into your kids’ lives once you get to that stage is one way to do it; this does not including coming home one day and announcing to your kids “This is Bob, he and I got married and he’s moving in with us!  Aren’t you excited?”  As I was typing that I can see the looks on my kids’ faces as they give this guy the once over, while one is madly texting or calling the older one to come to the house STAT, and then launch into the Spanish Inquisition complete with a vat of boiling oil and a stake to tie him to if he fails any of the questions.  Then again, my kids are older.  However, this is exactly what their father did to them.  I guess he figured that he introduced them to her once and that was good enough.  I don’t know, I didn’t ask, I gave instructions, to him about our kids; but again, our kids are older and are fully capable of speaking for themselves and if they don’t like something, you will know it especially from the older and the middle one; those but the “less” in ruthless. 

By gradually I mean let them come to the house for dinner and a movie and see how the kids interact with the person or go out on a family gathering and invite your friend along and watch.  Children are excellent judges of character, much like animals.  True story told by a friend of mine, she was dating this guy and he had come to pick her up from her apartment.  She had a Rottweiler and when she opened the door to him, the dog begin to growl and wouldn’t stop growling the entire time he was there.  When she saw this she told him that he had to leave and that she couldn’t date him any longer.  Why? Her dog didn’t like him and if her dog doesn’t like you then there is something about you that isn’t right because dogs sense things that we can’t.  Children are the same way.  They know things even if we adults can’t see it they do.  I don’t expose men to my children for not just my children’s protection but for theirs.  It only takes a single conversation for them to determine whether they like you or not. 

I don’t believe in exposing my children to unnecessary people and anyone who has children should feel the same way.  If you don’t then maybe you need to rethink things because it’s always about the kids in my world.

 

Double E

*More on representatives in my next blog.

Posted January 31, 2012 by doublee42 in Relationships, Things I see

What about the kids: Your Relationship Success/Failure Affects Them Too. Part I of II   4 comments

I’ve been talking a lot about things that go on in relationships but the one thing that no one wants to really talk about is the impact that it has on children if you are so lucky to be blessed with them.  During my 16 year self-induced coma, we were blessed to have two children.  I brought my oldest into the marriage and we adopted her from my mother (long story). 

In the beginning my oldest one had no issues with my DEH but it changed and I couldn’t figure out why.  It wasn’t until I had a conversation with her recently that I found out exactly what happened.  No it wasn’t anything like that, it was she didn’t like him as a person because she realized, as a lot of kids eventually do, that people aren’t always who they are cracked up to be.  By the time it came around for me to divorce my DEH she was so “done” with him she could have spit nails.  Needless to say, she was happy about the breakup, but what about the other two?

They were a little different.  As much as I tried to get them to talk to me about how they were feeling, the less they said.  Every so often things would slip out with the middle one who seemed indifferent to the whole thing.  My youngest one, on the other hand, was not happy about it.  For him, I could see in his eyes that his entire world was crashing down around his ears and he had no clue what to do about it.  I tried reassuring them all that it had nothing to do with them, because at the time I had no clue what was going on either.  I just knew it had nothing to do with them, because it never does.

Going over this in my head, I began to wonder if anyone else thought about how the kids would feel in this type of situation when tempers are flared and people are running on pure emotion.  All too often children are used as pawns in fights and vicious battles between parents, while my DEH attempted and probably still does attempt, to use our children against me, I refuse to allow him to do so by not saying anything.  He makes them feel uncomfortable asking him for anything so they always ask me; he has them convinced that he doesn’t have any money and that I am somehow “hoarding” and hiding money all the time when I clearly don’t have any.  He, at one point, had them convinced that the child support money is their money to do with as they please. 

I admit that in the beginning I used to fight and argue against him, but it got to the point that I explained what child support was for and they saw what I did with it.  I told them flat out, ‘you live with me and you see what I do with the money that is sent to me.  So in the future, do not tell me the stupid things he says to you about me, you see with your own eyes, hear with your own ears and you be the judge of what is really going on’.  From that point on, I argued no more.

But what about the parents who constantly do this to their children and use them to try and make them hate the other parent?  Does the parent ever stop to think that the whole thing could blow up in their face and the child, instead of hating the other parent, actually ends up resenting the one causing all the strife?  I’ve actually seen it happen and I’m watching it happen in front of my very own eyes.  He has already lost one child and from what I’m hearing, he has lost another.  Soon enough he will lose the third but I’m sure that will be my fault when I haven’t said a word.

For those parents out there so hell bent on revenge and are so filled with anger and resentment, don’t use your kids as pawns in the middle of your adult life.  They don’t belong there and it only confuses them until they are able to see what is going on.  Some pick up on it quickly while others it may take a while before reality sets in. 

I am the product of a divorced parents, but not one time did my mother “bad mouth” my dad in front of us (or that I know of at all) and he didn’t do that to her either.  Thanks mom and dad for thinking about us and not airing your “dirty laundry” to us or using us as pawns. 

If you don’t think you are using your kids as pawns, I offer you this:  If you are keeping them from seeing their parent because (1) s/he isn’t current with her/his child support; (2) you are mad at him/her for any reason; (3) you are saying mean and nasty things about the other parent in front of, within earshot of or directly to the children; (4) if you are telling the children that the child support you pay is their  money (instead of to be used to provide for them even if it’s paying rent/lights/food, etc.) causing strife in the other parent’s home; or (5) anything that isn’t a child’s business and that should remain between the two “adults” in the relationship.  All of these things and more are signs that you are using your kids as pawns against the other parent.

Think about who it’s going to hurt in the end.  It certainly won’t be the other parent and it may not even be you that’s hurt in the end, but it will always hurt the kids.  While you are “hell bent” on “making the other parent pay”, your kids are eventually going to resent you.  It doesn’t matter whether your were the best parent and the other was the worst parent, kids will find a way to idolize the absent one until they see for themselves what the other one is really like and it won’t matter whether they meet their expectations or they don’t.  It’s not worth your child hating you in the long run so stop and think about the bigger picture.

What I want to talk about in my next blog is how Mom/Dad’s revolving door of “uncles and aunts” affect your kids and why you shouldn’t do that either.

 

Double E

Posted January 30, 2012 by doublee42 in Relationships

Home training: Parents please teach your kids how to act in public   2 comments

Ok, I just came from the movies.  I did a “double feature”, completely unintentionally.  I went to see Underworld with no problem but then I went to see Red Tails.  Both movies were great and I’m glad I didn’t wait for Red Tails to come out on DVD before I saw it, but then again, I kind of wish I had but not because it was over two hours long; but because there were a bunch of little people (teenagers) that were sitting behind me.

I got in the theater late because Underworld had just gotten out and I hadn’t really planned on going to see a double feature, so I was forced to sit in the worst seat in the house, middle of the very first row right in front of the screen.  Fine, I scooted down in the seat, propped my feet on the rail in front of me and then waited for the movie to start.

I should have known that it was going to be trouble because the entire row behind me was full of teenagers, but I tried to give them and their parents the benefit of the doubt hoping they had home training and knew how to conduct themselves in the theater.

I give too much credit.

Now someone should have warned these “little darlings” that this movie was over two hours long.  Apparently someone in their little group failed to let them know the length of the movie because two of them kept getting up and leaving (and I think one may have hit some poor guy in the back of the head as she rushed down the row to leave and she definitely made a lot of noise on the way back); two or three of them kept kicking the back of the seat next to me which made the whole row of seats move; one of them literally started singing “to herself” in the middle of the movie and I’m relatively sure that this same “little darling” was doing all the heavy sighing and talking to the screen being the stereotypical ghetto ass black person in the theater.  Now I’m trying hard not to say anything and I managed to not turn around and ask them in my “mother voice” to shut the hell up because I didn’t feel like arguing with the unarmed.

I’m sure I speak for everyone who has ever gone to the theater and had anything like this happen to them when I say, parents, if your kids don’t know how to act, keep their asses at home or go with them to the theater.  I paid my money just like the next person but I should not have to suffer through any move, regardless of length, with the type of behavior that goes on.  Had I not had another one my infamous headaches I would have asked management to ask them to be quiet or leave the theater quietly.

This same behavior is the same behavior I see when people allow their smaller kids to run around restaurants, air planes or any place in public while they sit around looking dazed and confused as if their children aren’t accidents waiting to happen. Then when something happens the parents want to act incredulous about being “treated in such a manner”.

Um, excuse me?  *insert a stale face right here please*.  What do you mean you are upset because the restaurant management is asking you to gather your “little darling” and leave, or asking you to get off the plane because you can’t get your “little darling” to sit down so the flight can take off after you boarding the plane first and giving you an extra 15 minutes to get your “little darling” to sit down.  Even my kids (one who is an adult and the other two who are nearly grown) look at people’s kids with complete disdain when they see other kids running around like the kids from “Lord of the Flies”.  I actually had to keep one of them (my very vocal middle one) from saying something to someone else’s child and even tripping her up because she wouldn’t sit down.

I’m by no stretch of the imagination saying that my kids are perfect angels but all children must be taught how to act in public and in order to do that you must take them out in public and actually teach them, not sit there and let them run around like mad little people.  I understand children get antsy and bored and are bundles of little energy but you must teach them how to control that when in public or else they could cause accidents, delays and a ton of people getting mad.

Restaurants and some movie theaters have gone to not allowing children under a certain age in the establishment after a certain time for this very reason but parents feel as though they are being excluded or discriminated against.  Well, it’s because you are.  Too many “bad apples” have spoiled it for the rest of you.

When my kids were younger, I would take them to restaurants and teach them that if I wasn’t doing it then they shouldn’t be either.  They learned.  I have been on international flights and as people are getting off of the plane (because we were always the last off so other people could get to their destinations without being held up by slow moving children) several of them have exclaimed that they didn’t know there were even children on the flight because mine stayed in their seat.  I’ve gotten compliments about how they act in public as well because they are well behaved whether I’m there or not and that is because I taught them how to act.

So from one parent and all those people who don’t have kids but like to enjoy a movie, a quiet dinner in a restaurant and get on their flights without delay, please, teach your kids how to act in public.

Thank you so much!!

Double E

Posted January 29, 2012 by doublee42 in Things I see

The Five Stages of Mourning: These apply to Relationship Break-Ups too   5 comments

Well readers, I think it’s about time that I opened up a little more about myself.  As you all know I was married for 16 yrs. I affectionately call those years my “self-induced coma” and I will get to why I call it that in a different blog.  Right now I want to talk about the different stages of mourning because I went through them when my “self-induced coma” came to an end and even some of the stages before it finally did.  These stages were first proposed by Elsabeth Kubler-Ross in 1969 in her book “On Death and Dying”. You can read more about them here.

These stages are Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance, in that order.  When a person is in pain from the loss of someone in their lives (even if it was a 16 yr. self-induced coma) they go through the exact same stages of mourning that a person does at the death of a loved one.  I went through every single one of these stages and I even “visited” some of them more than once.

I went through the first stage, the third and fourth stages even before the marriage was over.  By the time I had gotten to the anger stage, I was too tired to bother because being angry at him got me nowhere and besides, I had to ask myself, “was I angry with him or with me?”  I decided I was angry with myself.  Although I visited this anger stage quite often, I eventually got tired of being angry. I let it go on for as long as it did which brought me to the denial stage which lasted for the entire 16 years.  I was also depressed for that same amount of time.  I was just not happy in my marriage from the beginning to the bitter, ugly end.  It should be noted that I actually had a chance to walk away before it began but I didn’t (this is also something else I will discuss later on). 

My friends will tell you that I was one angry bird.  Of course I was because I had ever right to be angry but I only got angry when he did or said something stupid to make me angry.  It wasn’t one of those things where I just walked around angry at the world all the time because of him, it was an at that moment anger and once it was over it was over.  No residuals.

So when I found out all I did during the divorce, I found acceptance within myself.  I often tell people that it was literally 60 seconds after I received the phone call that something inside of me either snapped, clicked or something but whatever it was, it allowed me to remain dead calm. Even my son said I sounded “funny” when I talked to him that night. I didn’t raise my voice, I didn’t get angry and I didn’t scream.  Then again, it could have been because I wasn’t breathing for well over a minute at least it didn’t feel like I had been breathing because I remember taking a single huge breath and letting it out and then, calm.

It took me a couple of days before I cried and I don’t really know if I cried from relief in finally knowing the truth or out of frustration.  I think it was a combination of both but I do know it was more relief than anything because after I cried, I went to sleep and slept like a baby.  I hadn’t had a peaceful sleep in over five years at that point and the peace that I felt when I went to sleep and the peace that I felt when I woke up was something that I’d never felt before.  It’s as if I had been wrapped up in a blanket that shut out the world with all the noise and confusion and my mind went blank and I slept.  I’ve been sleeping like that every since. 

Some people never get to the acceptance stage though.  There are people walking around today still angry and bitter about breaking up and they carry that into other relationships and then can’t figure out why.  It’s because they haven’t accepted what happened in the last one and taken responsibility for their role in it.  However, they also have people in their lives telling them that they weren’t to blame so they can never get to this stage the right way.  They accepted that it’s over but they didn’t accept the reasons behind it.  My unsolicited advice is to get rid of these people.  They aren’t helping you at all and are actually hindering you.  If you call them “friend” and they are co-signing your madness, they aren’t your friends.  Misery loves company.  My real friends didn’t co-sign any madness that I came up with.  They told me point blank everything I didn’t want to hear but everything I needed to hear.  Some remained silent while I ranted and vented but they never co-signed any madness I may have entertained about being perfect, etc.  My best friend was the “worst” of the bunch.  That is why I love him to death.  He has never been one to sugar coat anything or tell me what I wanted to hear in the 30 yrs. we have been friends.  That’s not his style and I appreciate that from him.  He is one of a very few select group of people in my “inner circle” that bare the title “friend” and the only male.   Finding one let alone four of them is rare indeed.

I’m still in my acceptance stage.  I’m not angry any longer and now, I won’t allow him to anger me.  I actually talk to my DEH almost on a regular basis.  We don’t talk about anything but the kids or me checking on him to make sure he is ok in his wife’s absence.  Do I still care for him?  I’m not going to lie, I do but that doesn’t mean I love him or want to be with him again it means I care for him as a human being.  I spent 16 yrs. of my life loving him (actually 17 but who’s counting) and you can’t just wipe that away.  My mom still cares about my dad and they’ve been divorced for over 20 yrs. it’s just something that doesn’t go away. 

When I tell you acceptance is a beautiful thing, I can’t even begin to tell you how at peace I am now and I have my DEH to thank for it.  Had it not been for him taking me through all the change, I wouldn’t be who I am today!  So thank you again DEH!  *smooches*

And if you are wondering how long it has been since my divorce is final, it’s been 2 yrs.  I was “lucky” in that I went through a lot of the stages before it was final.  It has helped me move on a bit faster than most. 

Are you in mourning over a lost relationship?  Which stage are you in? 

Double E

Posted January 27, 2012 by doublee42 in Relationships

Why are people who don’t have kids always the first to tell you how to raise them?   8 comments

Is there anyone old enough to remember Dr. Spock and his “breakthrough” book on child rearing?  If you aren’t be glad he was an idiot.  If, however, you were unfortunate enough to be raised by a parent who read this garbage, I’m sorry. There are all these “experts” out here on child rearing and the total amount of experience combined with raising one is tantamount to the letter “e” found on the very last page of the very last sentence in the very last text book they read in college.  They have only ever observed these creatures behind two way mirrors (maybe) and have never actually taken one home with them for any extended period of

Hold on though, I’m not talking about these “experts” I’m talking about your every day Joe and Jane Blow schmuck out on the street (and this could also refer to any relative who doesn’t have children of their own) that give you these disapproving looks when you have a child screaming at the top of their lungs in the grocery store because you swatted them on the behind for practically destroying an entire aisle as you walked down it or because you told them ‘no, you can’t have that’ and the child defiantly insisted on throwing it in the cart anyway and when you took it out they did it again.  What would you have the parent do?  Allow the child to destroy the place without saying a single word?  Of course you wouldn’t because then you’d still be giving the parent that exact same disapproving look if they did.

Bratty Kid

True story (told you, I have a million of these things), when I was a young adult, 19 or 20 years old, I was in the mall (cringes) looking at some earrings on one of those spinning racks.  I noticed a mother and her son.  She was standing on the other side and the little boy was standing next to me “looking” at another rack.  I look out the corner of my eye and this kid is literally revving up the rack with all this jewelry on it and then he slings it and earrings and things go flying everywhere.  You know what his mother’s response to this was?  “Now stop that!”  She didn’t discipline him, she didn’t make him pick up a single earring and she damn sure didn’t pick up a single one either.  Shocked as I was, I just shook my head and chuckled and moved on thinking to myself ‘had this been my kid I would have tagged that ass and she would have picked up EVERY single earring that was on the floor and put it back on the shelf before she left the store”.  By the way, I did have a child at that time and even though I did I was a “new” parent and I had yet to experience all the joys (using the term loosely here folks because while there are joys there are just as many pains in raising children) of being a parent.

Now imagine that times three.  Better yet, imagine that with a single child that may have special needs or add a child to that mix who doesn’t have special needs.  Children are rambunctious by nature.  They are little bundles of energy from the moment they wake up at some ungodly hour like 5 or 6 a.m. until they either collapse at 8pm or you have to force them to go to bed.  It’s like they think they are going to miss something if they close their eyes for too long.  (Sidebar:  Kids, please go to sleep when your parents ask.  When you get to be my age you will wish you could go back and get all those wasted hours of not sleeping you did as a child.  Sidebar:  over).

Why do people who don’t have children, never kept a child for more than a few hours or their kids grow up and they are all in the penal system always the first to attempt to give you advice on how to raise them?  Clearly you have never had one, raised one or if you did you failed at it epically.  Before everyone starts screaming bloody murder at me about the one in the penal system, I was dead serious.  Kicking some tail and taking names when they get out of line never hurt anyone and clearly in a lot of cases that is what was needed.  Teaching your kids how to make better decisions and to think of the long term instead of the right now should be a number one priority, as is everything else a number 1 priority.  So if you are a parent that is in and out of jail or they have a parent that they are aware of that is in and out of jail, I’m going to need you to get your shit together. I say that because your children are watching.

As a young parent, I took advice from my mother, my ex mother-in-law and my grandmother.  I refuse to take advice from someone who has never had a child let alone raised one; keeping your niece or nephew for a weekend or a few hours doesn’t cut it either.  Even people who have kids, who haven’t finished raising them, can’t even begin to tell me how to raise my own.  I ran into that last problem when I had already had my oldest and my middle one was about a year old.  The “advice” came from my ex’s family members who just flat out told me “you have no idea what you’re doing and you need to take parenting classes.”  I was so pissed off it was unreal.  Needless to say it went over like a lead balloon and even if I do say so myself, my kids are fine and well behaved in public and very intelligent so apparently I did know what I was doing and I did do something right, thanks.

The point I’m trying to make in all of this is this, for those of you who do not have kids, don’t want kids and have never taken on the responsibility of shaping and molding someone else’s life, please keep your “advice” to yourself.  I, for one, don’t want it because you have no experience in the field whereas I have over 23 yrs. of it, I doubt you can tell me anything I already don’t know.

Double E

Posted January 26, 2012 by doublee42 in Things I see

Just because you’re married, doesn’t mean you can’t help around the house!   4 comments

Here is a topic that is near and dear to my heart as I’m sure it is with a lot of my married female readers because it was suggested by one of them.  I won’t throw out her real name but let’s just call her Wanda (she knows who she is).  Thank you for the topic!

Back in the day, before the women’s lib movement and the burning of the bras, women’s traditional role was to cook, clean, care for the house, the kids and her husband.  That was all well and good because she didn’t work outside the home but she also wasn’t sitting on the couch eating bon-bons watching As the World Turns (Phil, Phil, can you hear me Phil-famous line from Phyllis Diller…still cracks me up, sorry had to go back for a moment) all day long either.  Keeping a house is another job in and of itself.  Anyone who has small children or even darn near grown children living at home can tell you that it’s not easy because as soon as you get a spot clean and move on to another spot, the kids find it their personal duty and seem to be sworn to some secret cult sect that says they must mess it up.  I have no idea how they move so quickly but they do.  Blink and it’s like you haven’t touched the place!  This is hard work, if done properly. 

A father’s traditional role was to be the breadwinner of the family.  He worked hard all day long to provide and “bring home the bacon”.  He did yard work and fixed things that needed to be fixed around the house, including the car.  His only “role” on the inside of the house may have been to take out the garbage. 

Simple enough right?  Of course, everyone knew what their roles were and no one seemed to have a problem with it.  Mom did “mom stuff” and dad did “dad stuff” and the world was at peace and everyone got along. 

Flashing forward to today and these roles have been so scrambled up that it’s almost impossible to figure out who is supposed to be doing what, or is it?  In some households the woman is the primary breadwinner and the men may stay at home and take care of the kids and the house.  That’s a fair assessment right?  I think so, but what about the households where both parents work?

Now here comes the rub.  Why are women, who work outside the home, expected to still play the traditional role of being the chef, chauffer, rear the kids and still jump in the sack and be expected to throw down and swing from the light fixture in the bedroom?  Is that possible, I’m sure it is but is it fair?  In my humble opinion it is not.  When women work outside the home I don’t believe she should be expected to do it all by herself, but then you wonder why she may be too tired to have sex?

Think about it guys, you work every day sometimes more than 40 hrs. a week and that’s hard right?  Yes, it is, but imagine having to work that same 40 plus hrs., then having to come home, cook, clean, make sure the kids have been taken care of (homework, baths, etc.) and then you want me to do what?!?  Can you take out the trash?  Vacuum a carpet?  Thrown in a load of laundry?  Fold up some clothes?  Put them away? Help the kids with their homework, something,
to take the load off?

When I was married I was a stay at home mother for the first two years of my two younger kids’ lives.  I had no problem cooking, cleaning and doing the duties that I was “expected” to do but you know what else I did?  I did yard work because my ex didn’t like doing it and didn’t want to do it, but more often than not he was gone anyway playing some sport.  Now if you are wondering about him being military, don’t because we took turns cutting the grass with other building members in Germany and then we had our own townhouse in Japan and I did the yard work there too and when we moved to VA and got a house, I can honestly say he cut the grass ONE damn time the entire time because the rest of the time me and the kids did it and if something needed to be fixed, I had to pay someone to fix it in the house or try to fix it myself.  It took me a damn near $500 water bill to get him to fix the damn toilet upstairs so it wouldn’t run all the time! (Sidebar:  I had to pay that water bill.  Sidebar: over). 

He and I used to get into arguments about it until I just went on strike.  I refused to work a full day and come home clean the house, cook and on the weekends do the damn yard work and then he wanted me to do what with him at night?  Um, no, I was tired.  This is why my marriage ended because I wouldn’t have sex with him.  That’s ONE reason I wouldn’t but others will be revealed later.

Was I wrong for that?  Sure was, but in my defense, like I said I was tired.  I’m also not a robot.  

So how fair is it that a woman is expected to work all day and then come home and cook and do all the other things that are the “traditional” roles when she isn’t getting any help from her significant other?  We are human and if all we want you to do is take out the garbage and cut the grass, I don’t think it’s too far of a stretch to do it.  We need help and any little way you can do it, we sure would appreciate more than you know.

 

Double E

 

 

 

Posted January 25, 2012 by doublee42 in Relationships

How do you know s/he is wasting your time?   7 comments

This is a topic proposed to me by one of my readers (thanks Sandy!!) when I posted a question about this mysterious single text message that says “Hi” and when you respond you get no response in return.  A few of my female friends thought this was hilarious because I said it was like someone calling you and when you say ‘hello’ they say ‘hi’ then don’t utter another word.  It’s maddening to me.  Well another friend (Hi Julie!!!) said that she doesn’t answer text messages from guys who are “courting” her because real men call.  She then went on to say that he was wasting my time.

This is what led to all of this.  How do you know the person that claims to be interested in you is wasting your time?  This sort of begs the question of why would they bother if they weren’t really into you in the first place?  Well let me start with the first question by giving you some background on the reason for my little rant on Facebook.

This guy is/was interested in me.  After completely creeping me out once, one cancellation approximately 30 min. before we were to meet (because he was “sleepy”), one walk out (by me, he left me sitting at a restaurant for over an hour waiting for him with no phone call, no text, no nothing so I ordered something to go and bounced and he showed up afterwards), insulting me to my very core (let’s just say he doesn’t listen very well either and leave it at that) and I still entertain this twat.  Don’t ask me why because at this point I have no earthly or unearthly idea why I do.  Guess it’s just something to do when I get bored.

At any rate, I finally had to tell him that we could be associates and maybe hang out some time but that I wasn’t going to go out of my way to make that happen because after all of that, he was not going to get any further with me than he already had and all things considered, I’ve been patient enough with this guy but he simply SCREAMS he really isn’t interested.  This leads to the second question, as to why would he bother with me if he wasn’t really interested in the first place?

Well let me think on this a moment.

Ok time is up.  In this particular guys case, I don’t think he is/was (and probably still isn’t) used to dealing with a grown woman.  The little games he plays with the single text message and the failure to listen when I tell him something that I don’t like or that I do like and he continues to do it.  I’ve been chatting with this guy for several months (actually probably going on a year) and I can promise you he can’t tell you a single thing about me and what I like and what I don’t like, because he doesn’t listen to all of that.  I, on the other hand, can tell you all the stuff he likes and what he is aspiring to be.  Did I mention that he is thirty (30) years old, he dresses like he is 18 years old (with the doo rag that matches his clothes, baggy pants, Timbs, etc.) and he takes a lot of pictures with that “duck lip” thing.  *shudders* (Sidebar:  I had to tell him the truth about those pictures because he looked suspect in them.  If you know what that means then you’re probably laughing your ass off right now.  Sidebar: over). I think I hurt his feelings, but if I can’t tell you the truth then no one else will and I’m a firm believer on the side of the truth no matter how brutal it is and sometimes you can’t say certain things without them sounding brutal no matter how pretty you try and word it.

The only other reason I could think of was because he just wanted to get in my pants and failing miserably at it.  These things may work with little girls but I can promise you they don’t and will never work on a woman such as myself.  If you so happen to be reading this, try paying attention the finer details, they tend to get you further than the tomfoolery and the fuckery that you’re used to when dealing with little girls.  If you wanted sex, tell me that and let ME decide if I want to bother with that or not.  Don’t play games or waste my time.

I’m looking for something more along the lines of a long term relationship.  No, it doesn’t have to end in a proposal because right now I’m not even remotely interested in remarrying.  It’s more like a friend with possible benefits.  Oddly, I told him this in the beginning and he seemed interested.  What a disaster this has turned out to be.

So Double E World readers, what other signs have you experienced or even put into practice that the person is wasting your time (or you theirs)?

Don’t be shy now, we are all adults here.

Double E

Posted January 24, 2012 by doublee42 in Relationships