Bitterness: It isn’t cute so cut it out!   5 comments

            Bitterness is a word I hear thrown around quite a lot, especially when it refers to black* women.  Not all black women are bitter and bitterness does not just refer to us, but it refers to any person, regardless of race or gender, that can’t let go of any past hurt and lets it not only define them but it also makes them tank their new relationships by projecting that hurt and pain on another person who had nothing to do with it because they weren’t there. So this means in a nutshell that both men and women can be bitter. 

            Let me clarify what I mean by past hurt.  This could be an absent father, absent mother, past girlfriend/boyfriend that broke your heart into a million pieces or anything that could potentially affect your future relationships.  Keep in mind, that the first person a male child falls in love with is his mother or the woman that takes care of him and for a female child that is her father or the man that raises her.  On a biological level we tend to seek out the person who “smells” like our first love.  From there we determine if their personalities match that of our first real loves.  It’s like seeking out comfort in a person who is familiar to us on a cellular level.  But, enough of the chemistry lessons because it goes deeper than chemistry.

            Now I’m sure my male readers (you’re there right??) are shaking their heads thinking that a guy can’t be bitter.  Well let me tell you, you can be and I can tell you how it is that you can be bitter.  How do you treat women?  Do you treat every woman with the respect that she deserves?  Do you call women bitches, whores, hood rat, or chicken head; hit them; cheat on them when you’re supposed to be in a monogamous relationship?  What about having kids with as many women you can without taking care of the child leaving her holding the bag because “it ain’t my kid”. 

            If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are a bitter man.  Why you ask?  Well it’s quite simple, no one treats another human being like that without something having happened to them in their past that make them who they are.  Every experience you have makes you who you are and if you were hurt by a female that you were really into she taints you to every other female you come into contact.  The only way to keep from treating another person badly is to learn from what happened.  Coincidentally, this very same concept goes for the ladies as well just that it would be a guy hurt you, etc. 

            Now, if you think that you were this perfect human being who had absolutely zero flaws, I’ve got some land in Florida I’d like to sell you and you can put that bridge I throw in for free from New York on said land.  No one is perfect not even you and guess what?  It was two people in the relationship not just one so you aren’t completely blameless in what happened.  The sooner you realize that the sooner you will begin to learn from what happened. 

            We just think of ladies as being the only people who can be bitter because hers tends to manifest itself into neck rolling, loud mouthed and belligerent behavior towards her men.  This behavior alone would hold any human being at arm length, trust me, no one likes all that childish behavior.  Not only is it embarrassing for him to be treated like an animal but it’s embarrassing to her as well.  At least we would hope it’s embarrassing to her.  But you know what else it does?  If you have children, it passes on this horrible legacy of bitterness onto the next generation. 

            How you act in front of your children shape who and what they become later on and if you think that they aren’t watching, think again.  Children are always watching and listening to everything that we do.  I know this because I did it as a child and it surprised my mother, who thought she was talking until she was blue in the face, that we actually listened to her and watched what she did because it came up when we grew up.  If they see mom acting a total nutcase about a man or towards a man then they are going to grow up thinking that this is normal and this is how you treat people.  STOP perpetuating the cycle because it really isn’t cute. 

For every failed relationship you need to do four things.  One, is be brutally honest with yourself even if it is something you don’t think you are ready to admit because if you don’t the next step will be completely pointless.  I call this the “wo/man in the mirror” (yes it’s a cheap knock off of Michael Jackson’s Man in the Mirror but his words were poignant and right on point if you listen to them).  Once you hold up that mirror and you are ready to be honest, the next step is to ask yourself the following question, “what could I have done differently in this last relationship or all the other relationships?”  Simple enough right?  Wrong.  That’s why the first step is so important.  If you aren’t going to be honest about it then the answer to the question is going to be nothing but lies.  This step takes some serious soul searching and it isn’t going to be easy and it’s not going to happen instantly.  You may have to go back a ways to figure out what your actual problem is and that is going to take some time.  It took me going back to my childhood in order to figure out where I was and what I was thinking at the time I met my now ex-husband.  The third step is to actually say those things out loud that you find you could have done better.  Why speak them out loud?  Speak truth into your words.  Sometimes saying things out loud help you actually believe them.  I know it helps me because if I don’t speak truth into the words then I don’t feel I’ve done enough to make them true.  The final step in this little exercise is to make the necessary changes within yourself so you become a better you.  I’m still doing this part because there is always room for improvement in Double E world.  I’m a fine work of art that is constantly changing and making me the person that is me. 

I did all of that because I was terrified of being a bitter person after my 16 year marriage melted down.  I’ve seen what it does to people and I don’t think it’s cute at all, so readers of Double E world, don’t be bitter be better because bitter isn’t cute. 

 

Double E

 

*I don’t like the use of the term “African-American” because I’m not from Africa.  I’m from the United States and I just so happen to be Black.  If I spent all my time identifying with my ancestry I’d have to identify my race as something like “African, Celtic, Native American American” (and trust me that isn’t the full list because I’m sure there is something ELSE thrown in that our family hasn’t discovered yet and THAT is just from my mother’s side of the family!!!!

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Posted January 16, 2012 by doublee42 in Relationships

5 responses to “Bitterness: It isn’t cute so cut it out!

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  1. Glad you shared. Everyone can relate to bitterness on one level or another. Siblings are bitter toward one another as well. That’s one thing I’m bad at is holding grudges. Bitterness is a VERY big part of that. Gotta learn to let it go.

  2. This true and to the point. Brava EE!!!! Brava!!!

    Alicia Nichole Black-Mackey
  3. Fantastic job, I was doing a google search and your site came up for homes for sale in Altamonte Springs, FL but anyway, I’ve enjoyed reading it, keep it up!

  4. Youre so cool! I dont suppose Ive read anything in this way before. So nice to locate somebody by original thoughts on this subject. realy thanks for beginning this up. this fabulous site is one thing that is necessary on the internet, a person with a bit of originality. beneficial project for bringing a new challenge towards internet!

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