Just because I’m single doesn’t mean I can’t give relationship advice   5 comments

Just because I’m single doesn’t mean I can’t give relationship advice.  There is a reason I’m single and it’s not because I’m bitter, mean or anything negative, it’s because I choose to be single.

I used to be married.  Yes, that’s right married, a long term, very committed relationship (on my part at least) for 16 years.  I met him when I was 22 years old and we married when I was 23 and we divorced by the time I turned 40, but we will eventually get to the low down of what happened with that; but it does play a major role in why I am single though.

My ex-husband was my lesson.  You know that thing that teaches you something you didn’t know before?  Yes, that type of lesson.  He taught me a lot about myself without ever uttering a single word or even being there.  Among the many lessons he taught me was I am stronger than I thought both mentally and emotionally.

Having said that, I believe that I am well qualified to give relationship advice having lived through one that failed because I know exactly what not to do in my next one.  While my advice is limited based on my own personal experience, and it may not apply to every person, it does work.  My advice, know who you are first and what you want and be the person that you want to be with.  That may sound confusing but let me break it down in layman’s terms like Lyfe Jennings did in his song “Statistics”; “…don’t be a nickel out here looking for a dime.”  Make sense now?  It should because you can’t attract that which you aren’t.  You only attract what you are.  Let that sit for a moment before going on.  It will come to you.

In my last blog “Bitterness:  It isn’t cute so cut it out!” I gave you four things that you needed to do in order to not be bitter.  They work, if you follow through with them.  So what do you do after you’ve done all those steps?  Keep improving yourself.  There is always room for improvement because you should be discovering things about yourself you either didn’t know or had forgotten that you knew.  Like me, you are a work of art that is constantly changing and being molded into the “you” that you were always meant to be.

I had forgotten myself and the things I like to do and I set out to “rediscover” me.  I love music and I discovered that during my 16 year self-induced coma (as I refer to my marriage) I missed a ton of music and a ton of artists that I like.  So I set out to listen to all the music I missed.  I discovered a bunch of neo-soul artists like Rashaan Patterson, Christion, Goapele and lots more.  I went back and listened to stuff I hadn’t listened to in ages because he didn’t particularly care for my choice in music.  Being eclectic, I listen to everything from Classical music to Gospel and every other genre in between.  Yes, that includes country music and what my kids have deemed “screaming emo” music.  Killswitch Engage anyone?

I also like to read for pleasure and one of the first things I did was pick up my favorite author (Stephen King) and I read every book I had missed from the 4th installment of the Gun Slinger Series to the end of that series and every book in between.  I read the Twilight Series by Stephanie Meyers in four days; I also discovered another author, L. A. Banks and I read all 13 of the books in her Vampire Huntress series.  I did all that in a six month time frame.  Every time you saw me I had a book in my face.  I read at stop lights, sitting in traffic jams and/or stopped traffic (you have just got to love the HRBT and the MMBT traffic jams.  If you don’t know what that is, you don’t live where I do!), while cooking, lounging around in the bed, cleaning, listening to music, allegedly watching television, just any where I could squeeze in a moment to read a few lines, I would.  I love to read!  These are just a couple of things that I re-discovered about myself that I had gotten away from.

You know what else I discovered?  I don’t mind being alone.  If I can’t enjoy my own company then how can I expect someone else to enjoy my company?  Sure I get bored sometimes but this too shall pass.  I’ve gone to the movies alone, out to eat alone, to sit in Barnes & Noble alone and read, driven around alone, watched movies in my room alone (when the kids decide they are going to leave me alone) and I’ve even gone to the club alone.      Do I have to be alone?  No I don’t have to, I just choose to be alone because I’m getting to know me better and once I do that then maybe one day he might come along.

So as a single woman, my advice to you, get to know yourself before you try and introduce another person into your life.  Getting over someone by “getting under someone else” is only going to cause you to repeat the same mistakes over and over again and remember, you are the only constant in all of your relationships.

Double E

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Posted January 17, 2012 by doublee42 in Relationships

5 responses to “Just because I’m single doesn’t mean I can’t give relationship advice

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  1. Church!

  2. Girl, you got good sense! Not many women do these days. And I like that line about gettin’ under someone else. I’m going to steal that one. lol

    • Lol guys are the ones that typically use that liner about getting up under another person to get over someone that’s why they end up bitter because they keep making the same mistakes

  3. Many points you have put forth go off of what we talked about over a year ago in Polo….. I mentioned finding the Itty’s. I never mentioned about Don’t confuse the things you want with the things you need. You may find yourself empty handed. but thats just something that I learned LONG ago and is worth mentioning here.
    You have many valid points and while you may think your views are limited to your own experiences, IF you look at others, you will see that your experiences arnt that much different from theirs, the minor details may differ but the basis behind the experience is the same. Bring forth your revelations and see just how not alone you are out here, but remember, it takes great intelligence to not only have the revelations…… but to learn from them as well as you have.

    • Yes, I remember the itty’s that you mentioned and you are right Drue. Too many people just don’t take the time for themselves and some even fear being alone so they settle for anyone who comes along, again repeating the cycle. But as you said it’s what you learn, if you learn, and how you apply it.

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