What is your definition of Home wrecker? Part I of II   18 comments

I love reading my feed on Facebook because I get great topics from some of the things I see and a many great laughs.  One topic that came across my feed last night that I found rather interesting was a question someone had sent anonymously to be asked on someone’s page.  The question went something like this (1) what is the definition of a home wrecker; and (2) if the relationship foundation is strong, how can someone be a home wrecker? Well these questions intrigued me so you know I had to answer them.  Of course this is just my lone opinion but pay attention to how I worded my response.  (1) a home wrecker is someone who knowingly enters into someone else’s relationship and (2) it doesn’t matter how strong someone’s relationship foundation is, if someone is going to be tempted and enticed, and they want to cheat they will cheat. *

Notice how I said “knowingly”.  There is a reason I used that word and I’m sure you all guessed why.  Everyone who steps into a relationship with another person doesn’t always know that the one they are with is married and it’s at that point that they become a “victim” of the cheater.  Now when the person finds out that they are a mistress or “the other guy” and they continue on with the relationship then they are just as guilty as the person they are cheating with.  Granted, no one expects a person to just turn off their feelings that they may have developed but why would you stay in that knowing that if they cheated on their significant other, they will more than likely cheat on you?  The odds are extremely high that they will.  This is not to say that “once a cheater always a cheater” because people do change but the odds are not in their favor that they will remain faithful to the person that they get with if they choose to leave their significant other.

Speaking from experience at being the person who was the mistress (close your mouths, I have a checkered past and Karma did came knocking, eventually) I had no idea that this guy was married until I had already developed feelings for him.  He lied to me and I believed him.  He didn’t have on a ring and there was no “tan mark” on his ring finger and it’s not like we didn’t go out together, etc. so I had no clue (I was also young 20-21).  When I found out, I attempted to stop seeing him.  I say attempted because he actually threatened me that if I did it wouldn’t be pretty.  My only saving “grace” was that he was in the military (I admit I have a thing for guys in uniform) and he got out and went back from wince he came.  Florida I believe.  Thank goodness and I never heard from him again.

For that, Karma came to visit me in my own marriage.  Yes, he cheated on me twice.  The first time it took me a long time to get over it and an even longer time to forgive him and by the time I had forgiven him, he was back at it again.  Imagine that.  I will say that when I was going through it the first time the one reoccurring thought was “if I stay and forgive him is this going to be license for him to do it again and think he can continue to walk on me?”  That was my biggest fear.  When I finally got over it, it did come with a warning to him.  “If you do it again you may want to keep it to yourself because I won’t be so forgiving next time and I’ll give a whole new meaning to the phrase “hell hath no fury””.  Apparently my little warning must have either been forgotten or taken to heart because he did it again and he did his best to keep it from me but being a Scorpion, we know these things.  At any rate, I think he understands what I meant by what I said on the hell hath no fury part.  Calm fury in a woman, in anyone, is nothing to play with and know that when I came for him I didn’t announce it, I just did it but he knew full well who set the ball in motion.  As my motto goes “why announce to the world I’m coming when I can just show the fuck up”. 

I am convinced, that the second time he cheated he flat out lied to at least one of the women he cheated with.  How do I know, because of things she gave to me that he had given to her, which I still have every single piece of it (it’s in a closet somewhere in my apartment waiting for me to find it and toss it out).  But again, this was my comeuppance for having stepped out with a married man especially after I found out that he was married even if I did try to get out of it.  I will take that.  I deserved it (the Karma visit not what he did) because I’m not perfect and what goes around comes around.

So I pose these questions to you and I would really hope that I could get some discussion and feedback on this, is this, if you find that you are the “other woman/man” do you stay in the relationship or do you get out and if you choose to stay, why?  For obvious reasons I know why you would leave.

 

Double E

*The answer to the second part of the question wasn’t worded exactly that way but you get the premise.  I will discuss the second part of this question in my next blog.

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Posted January 20, 2012 by doublee42 in Relationships

18 responses to “What is your definition of Home wrecker? Part I of II

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  1. How ironic that you post this since it’s what I am dealing with right now… have been for nearly 2 years actually. I have been with my “husband” for 12 years, married 7 (8 in June). In Dec 2009, I called to let him know that I heard a friend of his had killed himself. We went to the viewing and that’s where she came in…. he introduced me to the new widow, who after hugging my husband, looked at me like “this should be easy”. I told her that if she needed anything, to let us know. Well…. I didn’t tell her that I didn’t actually mean my husband (a point I also didn’t specify to him) Anyway, I could feel him pulling away from me & I knew that he was talking with her, but didn’t really pay much attention until he totally quit talking about her. I asked him a few times what was going on, and, of course the answer was “nothing”. Come to Aug 2010 & I check his cell when he was in the bathroom. “You are my motivation, my inspiration, blah, blah, blah… I love you” was what I saw to him, from her. I read this aloud & have never seen that man move so fast! I was so…. whatever…. that I punched him! Anyway, throughout this whole time he has consistantly lied to me about everything. I should say that I work 2nd shift & he’s on 3rd, so his evenings are free to spend with her. He continues to tell me he loves me and we still have sex (yeah, I know… but I figure that’s the best revenge f*ck that I can dole out) He recently told me that he can’t imagine not having me in his life, that’s the reason he is still with me even tho she’s asked him to move in with her. So, I agree with your answers. They are both to blame in this circumstance, had she not met me & he not divulged his marital status, then my wanting to rip her face off too wouldn’t be so strong. They were both wrong. I still love my husband, broken heart and all, but I can’t continue like this anymore. I told him this morning that when we get our taxes back and meet with attorneys to discuss other things, that I am going to go. It’s not fair, I’m tired of crying… I’m 45 years old and not looking forward to my first date, the fear of getting naked with someone new, and just the generalness of finding myself. Anyway, thanks for broaching this subject and letting me vent!

  2. My definition of a home wrecker is similar to your liz, it’s a woman or man that knowingly enters into a relationship with someone they know is involved. It is also a woman or man who is involved in a committed relationship venturing out and getting involved or allows themselves to be enticed into entering another relationship.
    I think individuals in relationships (because we are so in love) are always looking for someone else to blame other that our no good spouse, but not me, I am not in a relationship with anyone else so he is that one that is being disrespectful and dishonouring to me, so he is the one I blame most. Now if after she become aware of me, she now needs to take it up with him. But some foolishly decide to approach the spouse, for what purpose I don’t know.
    Why do u think they do that, and why are some women so willing to blame the other woman as if her man is a baby and cannot make a decision by himself

    • Anger. They are mad at everyone involved not thinking that s/he could have just as easily been lied to like the spouse is being lied to. Ultimately, the responsibility lies with the cheating spouse and should be the only one that they approach. They knew everything from jump they knew they were married, etc. so the responsibility is theirs

  3. The title home-wrecker must stretch big enough to cover all parties involved in the extra-marital affair. I never understood why only the person outside the relationship is blamed for everything. I don’t respect anyone who knowingly dates a person who’s married, but I respect the cheater even less for knowingly seeking a new relationship and “wrecking” their own home i.e. my cousin, brother, and other people I know, remember the rule: a vampire can’t enter until you invite them in. This will always be a tricky and testy subject because it evolves completely around feelings and a lot less around morals, values and standards. In regards to Karma, I think it only responds to what one intentionally puts out into the world, therefore, it sounds like you weren’t dealing with karma in your marriage, but a selfish, lying jerk instead.

    • I agree that it does stretch which is why I don’t believe in talking to the other person but instead the one I’m in the relationship with (this is not to say I didn’t go childish and call her and ask but when she called me names I just picked at her because I could and I knew she feared me…but that is another story). I spoke to him and then I forgave him and we parted. I still think out was karma though regardless but you are right, he was selfish and still is as far as I know. I wish her luck because she is going to need it. Lol

  4. one of 2 main reasons spouses cheat…… spouses cheat when they feel they arnt getting what they need at home. this doesnt mean you didnt do everything right, it just means they feel they need more than you can give.
    the second main reason spouses cheat is because someone has set their designs on them and entice them out of their comfort zone. yes, this happens, all too often. basically what this means is that a happily married person is manipulated into a series of situations that progressively push the comfort zone and break the trust with their spouse. this could be random hardships, or intentional design.
    honestly, it doesnt matter if your spouse is the guilty party that stepped out or if they were enticed out, the same results happen, they cheat. as a result, the spouse is guilty no matter what…… so they ARE a home wrecker at that point.
    now….. the one they step out with. as stated above by another, it does depend on if that person is in the know or not. if they enter into the situation knowing the other person is with someone, they are home wreckers, if they are innocent and unknowing they are just a victim, but…. once they find out about the other person, feelings or not, if they remain with your spouse, they are a home wrecker.
    so in the end, enticed or initiator, the spouse is a home wrecker if they step out but… the one they stepped out with can either be a victim or home wrecker depending on if they knew of the spouse or not. they can start out as a victim than become a home wrecker or simply start out as a home wrecker.

  5. Wow!!!!

    Alicia Nichole Black-Mackey
  6. I was the other women ..I was happy yet unhappy..we went around like everything was good..I knew something was missing. I really didn’t have him as a whole person..Yeah i had a piece of his heart but not the whole thing…I stayed for a long time yeah enough for him to even get wife a baby boy..He we go again with the lies ..Imma leave when he’s old enough to understand ..I left move here..I skip details like wife call my home came by etc. even when i move her..She call me and said he just sit in the chair and stare at the wall..You can have him. I replied let him go..She stated I did he won’t leave then it hit me. He’s not leaving ..I gave up

  7. Everyone that replied here has honest and true opinions.

    I’m with the majority’s opinion on the definition of a homewrecker: when the spouse steps out [for whatever reason], or the new person becomes knowing of the situation and decides to stay in the “relationship” [whether it be matters of the heart or physical attraction … hell even financial].

    It’s not fair to ANY of the parties involved. If the spouse feels the need to have more from the monogamous relationship and commitment they’ve established, they at least owe it to their spouse to have that conversation. Hard conversation to have, but I’d rather discuss something like that before bad turns to worse.

  8. Sup there administrator, I basically desired to leave a short mention to actually say that I admired your posting. Thanks!

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