What about the kids: Your Relationship Success/Failure affects them too. Part II of II   2 comments

Yesterday, I spoke on how being bitter and angry at the parent of your children and using them as pawns against the other parent affects them.  While I didn’t go into depth like I should have, I can always revisit this topic because there is a lot that needs to be said on this very sensitive subject. Now for my “disclaimer” of sorts;  I just want to let everyone know that I’m about to make a lot of people feel some type of way (mad) by what I’m about to say but I must warn you, if you do get mad there is a reason because you see yourself in what I am saying.  So instead of being mad about it, do something about it because it’s not about you it’s about your children and the example you are setting for them in the long run.

If you are divorced, separated, or single, stop introducing your kids to every man or woman you date and for Pete’s sake, don’t bring your one night stand, friend with benefits (FWB), jump off or side-piece to your house and expose them to your kids.  A revolving door of “uncles” and “aunts” confuses your children, causes attachment issues and doesn’t show them what a real, healthy relationship is because you aren’t in one. 

I know I’m not the only one that has touched upon this topic before because Steve Harvey talks about it in his book “How to Think Like a Man and Act Like A Lady”, Michael Baisden has discussed this topic on his syndicated radio show several times so it’s not like you’ve not heard it before.  I’m pretty sure anyone with a set of morals has told you this on several occasions or at the very least has given you the “look” and just shook their head in complete disbelieve that you’ve moved in yet another  person for the kids to call “auntie” or “uncle”. 

Call me over protective of my kids but I call it having a respect for my little folks (who aren’t so little anymore but still).  Most people I know don’t even know where I live so there is no way in the world I’m going to let some guy I just met come to my house and meet my kids if I’m not going to be serious with them and even if I am, it’s going to take a long time before he even gets to that stage of knowing where I live let alone meeting my children.  Even if they are just friends (not with benefits) they don’t know my kids and they won’t see my kids unless they happen to see me on the street and I’ll introduce them by name.  My kids are nosy enough to ask me after the person leaves, how I know them but it’s still not their business how I know them or where I know them from.  If I want to bring someone to my home, I make sure my kids are not at home and will not be at home any time soon.  In other words, they are spending the night with their father or with a friend.  However, seeing as how my children act as though they are nearly terrified to leave me alone, I don’t have very many visitors of the male persuasion. 

Having said that, why do people act as though children are dumb and can’t see or hear?  When you least expect it, know that you are being watched and heard, by your kids.  They see and hear everything whether you want them to or not.  They see mom with a different guy darn near weekly or they see a different guy every day.  Dad is introducing them to a different woman all the time and calling her “friend” or whatever it is that they call them these days.  Too many times I have seen parents not think that their kids aren’t listening or watching them but then want to be upset when they repeat the same behavior that they do “thinking they are grown”.  Children aren’t just smart when it’s convenient for you, they are fully aware of what is going on even if they don’t understand it.    

Children who grow up with parents who do this tend to have attachment issues that turn into commitment issues because when mom or dad brings home another person and they are around for a little amount of time, children tend to get attached and when that person is gone they have to start all over again with someone new.  This tends to make children skiddish about becoming attached to the next person that comes around and it can carry over into their adult life.  A healthy, long term relationship is what kids need to be exposed to not anything fly by night. 

Another way it could affect the kids is that if you don’t know the person (and not their representative*) you don’t know who you are bringing into your home.  Now I’m about to go worst case scenario on you with this one because it is warranted and you should be afraid.   What if the man or woman you bring into your home likes young girls or young boys and you don’t know it?  What happens when you trust this person alone with your kids?  What about the person who has no experience with infants or small children and doesn’t have the patience to deal with them and you just “run to the store” to grab something and you come back and your kid is dead because they couldn’t take the crying? 

Did I scare you?  If I did, that’s good because you need to be afraid.  You don’t know who you are bringing into your house.  These are the things I think about before I expose my children to anyone I may come across.   They are my number one priority as your children should be yours, if not you are selfish and don’t deserve them.

How do you expect them to know what a healthy relationship looks like when you can’t get yourself together long enough to be in one?  I call this “perpetuating the cycle” and it needs to stop.  It’s bad enough the African-American community is falling apart from the inside out, but when bad behavior is continued on through generation after generation, someone has to stop the cycle.  Why not let that someone be you?

You are probably wondering when is a good time to introduce the kids to the “new guy/girl?”  Well that depends on how well you know the person, your level of commitment to one another and whether your kids are ready.  Gradually introducing that new someone into your kids’ lives once you get to that stage is one way to do it; this does not including coming home one day and announcing to your kids “This is Bob, he and I got married and he’s moving in with us!  Aren’t you excited?”  As I was typing that I can see the looks on my kids’ faces as they give this guy the once over, while one is madly texting or calling the older one to come to the house STAT, and then launch into the Spanish Inquisition complete with a vat of boiling oil and a stake to tie him to if he fails any of the questions.  Then again, my kids are older.  However, this is exactly what their father did to them.  I guess he figured that he introduced them to her once and that was good enough.  I don’t know, I didn’t ask, I gave instructions, to him about our kids; but again, our kids are older and are fully capable of speaking for themselves and if they don’t like something, you will know it especially from the older and the middle one; those but the “less” in ruthless. 

By gradually I mean let them come to the house for dinner and a movie and see how the kids interact with the person or go out on a family gathering and invite your friend along and watch.  Children are excellent judges of character, much like animals.  True story told by a friend of mine, she was dating this guy and he had come to pick her up from her apartment.  She had a Rottweiler and when she opened the door to him, the dog begin to growl and wouldn’t stop growling the entire time he was there.  When she saw this she told him that he had to leave and that she couldn’t date him any longer.  Why? Her dog didn’t like him and if her dog doesn’t like you then there is something about you that isn’t right because dogs sense things that we can’t.  Children are the same way.  They know things even if we adults can’t see it they do.  I don’t expose men to my children for not just my children’s protection but for theirs.  It only takes a single conversation for them to determine whether they like you or not. 

I don’t believe in exposing my children to unnecessary people and anyone who has children should feel the same way.  If you don’t then maybe you need to rethink things because it’s always about the kids in my world.

 

Double E

*More on representatives in my next blog.

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Posted January 31, 2012 by doublee42 in Relationships, Things I see

2 responses to “What about the kids: Your Relationship Success/Failure affects them too. Part II of II

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  1. the biggest thing you stated here is the “perpetuating the cycle” you state. not only is it perpetuating, but actually degrading it as well. when the issues concerning morals and ethics are just pushed a little out of line, that line becomes moved for the young seeing it, than they move th eline a little more for the next generation etc. its one of the reasons the world is in the state its in.

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