Archive for February 2012

You’re kidding me right? How would you handle this one?   4 comments

So Valentine’s Day was a few days ago big freaking whoop.  No, I’m not bitter because I’m single.  I’m actually mad about the whole day because it’s one big robbery courtesy of Hallmark ®, Whitman’s Chocolates ® and FTD ®.  As one friend put it, women are holding men at gun point telling them they better get something for this day or else.  I even saw someone on my newsfeed on Facebook ® say that if she didn’t get flowers delivered to her job she was going to be mad!  Really???!!  It just isn’t that damn serious ladies and if you feel that you need to be validated by this highly overrated day then do you, by all means.  Valentine’s Day is not what I want to talk about though.  I already did that in my blog “What about the other 364 days.” 

Today what I want to talk about is how you would handle someone from your past coming back to you to tell you “they fucked up” and they want to make it up to you.  Let me give the scenario.  You really like this guy and you let him know that you do.  While he acknowledges how you feel he tells you straight up that he isn’t interested in a relationship because he has had his heart broken before by someone and he doesn’t want to be hurt again.  What he doesn’t tell you is that he is actually in love with someone else but denies ever having been in a relationship with this person.

Fast forward several months that the two of you have been hanging out off and on.  Going to the movies, going out to dinner, watching movies at his apartment, etc., but you feel as if you are doing too much and not getting anything really in return, but he says that you are good and that he is okay with how things are; so you just stay in the friend zone, nothing serious, just friends.  So fast forward to him moving to another state because of his job and barely keeping in touch with and when he comes back into town he shows zero to very little interest in hanging out with you.  This is when you find out all the stuff he had been saying about the other woman was a complete fabrication of the truth and she forwards to you emails that he has sent to her professing his undying love for her.  Cool.  You back off and leave it alone even though you’re pissed off because yet another knee-grow has lied to you when all you asked for was the truth. This also explains, among other things, why you didn’t see him the last time he was in town.

So he goes back from wince he came and you talk off and on and you are ok with that.  Your birthday comes and you get a phone call, from him.  You think it’s odd but you go with it because heck, he’s the only person outside your family that has called you to wish you a happy birthday anyway.  You talk for hours about absolutely nothing because you’re friends but the one question that he asked that some men like to do is “what’s going on with you?” 

Now I was suspicious of this question from jump because experience has taught me that when a man asks that question what he really wants to know is if you’re seeing anyone but instead of simply asking that question he feels the need to talk in some sort of “code” language, but I get it and I go along with it simply saying there isn’t anything going on with me because it wasn’t and it still isn’t. 

A few months go by and you don’t hear from him any more until you get a few emails from him asking how things are going and that infamous “what’s going on with you?” and idle chit chat.  He sends a few pictures of himself at work and that’s cool.  He has a pretty cool job even if someone called it being a “parking lot attendant” (inside joke and if you’re reading this you know you said it).  Then from out of left field he tells you that he “made a mistake” in picking the other girl over you because she was all about drama and wanting to be the center of attention (not that he already didn’t know this but whatever) which is why she is the way she is.  You knew that because you know her.  Bag lady doesn’t even begin to cover it. 

Now this new revelation catches you completely off guard because you had no idea that he was even contemplating going there with you but he assures you that it isn’t a joke on his part.  Every question you throw at him, he has a response for.

Now my first instinct regardless of what he says is “paha!!!  He’s full of more shit than the combined assholes in Congress.”  I’m still feeling that way because after two plus years you can’t just suddenly feel like you made a mistake when you haven’t shown any signs that you were even interested. 

Now readers, what do you think?  I have asked some of my closer friends and it’s funny that one guy says “give him a chance because guys make stupid mistakes” and other guys (I have a lot of guy friends that are all plutonic) say “hell no, keep it moving!”  The ladies all say the same thing I do.  So I’m asking others what do you think, should he be given a chance or told to talk a long walk off a short pier?

Double E

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Posted February 16, 2012 by doublee42 in Relationships

Walking away: It’s not as easy as you would think but real friends make it easier   1 comment

I have some very interesting friends and former high school classmates.  They say the darnedest things on Facebook® and they are more often than not the truth.  Very much like what I would say to one of my friends when they come to me seeking it.  Today is a good example of something profound that one of them said on her status message. 

As we all know, Whitney Houston passed away this weekend in a scene that could only be described as tragic.  We all know that at one point in her life she was strung out on drugs and had gotten herself cleaned up and was attempting to make a comeback into music.   While we don’t know what she died from (people are guessing and assuming it was a drug overdose when there was absolutely no evidence of it) it is still a great loss in the music industry.   Early on, Ms. Houston had made a comment about her ex husband, Bobby Brown, being her drug.  This apparently got my former classmate to thinking about it and she said, in a nutshell, anything or anyone that is bad for you or keeping you from your walk with God that you need to “kick the habit.” 

Well this got me to thinking about what my bad habits are and/or were.  I readily admit that like Ms. Houston, my DEH used to be my “drug.”  I say this because when we parted company, my world had revolved around him and our children.  While my world still somewhat revolves around my two younger children, it no longer does with my DEH or anyone else for that matter. 

I have to admit that when I was going through my separation and divorce it was difficult for me to let go.  I had spent the better part of my life with one person and walking away, or giving up, was not in my DNA.  I almost felt like I was going through withdrawal like a person addicted to crack or heroine.  The pain may not have been as severe as what one who is actually on those drugs goes through but for me it was very real and it hurt like hell. 

When do you realize that it is time to walk away from that?  I can honestly say for me I walked away or “kicked the habit” when I got that phone call from my DEH’s then girlfriend.  But what was going on with me that prevented me from kicking that habit that was my DEH for so long?  I knew that he was toxic for me but I didn’t want to admit it. 

He showed all the classic symptoms of being a sociopath.  No, not that sociopath, but the other one where they just don’t give a shit about anything but themselves.  He also displayed all the classic signs of having suffered from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and he had never been in a combat situation but keep in mind that one does not necessarily have to experience combat for this to happen.  That’s why it’s called “post traumatic” because any traumatic situation can happen that would cause you to be that way.  I really thought something was wrong with him mentally but then I realized it wasn’t him; it was me. 

He was my drug and I needed to kick that habit in a hurry. 

My biggest fear was being angry and bitter for the rest of my life.  Most would think that the way I acted it would have been being alone but it wasn’t.  I had been alone for years before I was “alone” so being alone didn’t bother me it actually excited me a little because I had never been on my own before.  I had gone from living with my mother to living with him to being married to him.  As my mother pointed out, I had always had someone there to take care of me.  As a side note, I’m not really sure he took care of me because I did it all so I took care of myself and him because he was there. 

Then when I took a really good look around I realized that I had been in this place for several years and I had no real friends.  The only real friend I had moved away and had gone back to Texas.  Other than that all I had was associates and acquaintances.  It’s funny because before she left I had told her that she was the only “anchor” that I had to people we used to work with and that when she left, no one would be calling me to go hang out.  She said that it wasn’t true well, imagine her surprise when I told her that no one called me and no one asked me to go out with them since she left.  I knew it was going to happen but that was ok with me because I was always the quiet one of the group and didn’t do all the gossiping and bullshit that a lot of women do when they get together.  Besides, I was still going through my separation and divorce when she left and I’m pretty sure had they called me to go out with them they would all only want to know what was going on and then I would turn into the office gossip when they went back to work.  Thanks but no thanks.  The saying if they talk about others to you they are talking about you to others is so true.

So I set out to make new friends.  Not as easy as one would think but I made it happen and now I have friends, real friends.  With these friends, they made it easy for me to kick my habit of my DEH and walk away from him. They took my mind off of him and my situation if only for a little while when we hung out together.  They have also made it easier to forget him and all the toxicity that was him.  He was no good for me and deep down I knew he wasn’t even though I held on to him for dear life, it was through Him and my friends here on earth, that I was able to finally let him go.

So to all my real friends (and I know you know who you are), thank you for being in my life.  Thanks for being there for me, giving me the shoulder to cry on the ear to listen and the arms (be they virtual or real) that gave me a hug when that was all I needed.  My mother and my best friend, who know aren’t reading this, thank you two as well.  Without all of you I wouldn’t have been able to walk away.  You all made it easier.  And for You, thank you for that little voice in my head and my heart that I know is You telling me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear and when I wasn’t being still and listening, thanks for sending your angels to tell me what I refused to hear. 

If you find yourself in a situation where you find it difficult to walk away from but you know that you should, be still and listen.  Your friends, your real friends are talking to you too.  Walking away is easier with them than without.

 

Double E

Posted February 13, 2012 by doublee42 in Relationships

What People Need to Know about the Courts when it comes to Child Support and Custody: Especially my men!!!   14 comments

****DISCLAIMER****

I am NOT an attorney. I just work for them. Any information given in this blog can be found on the internet.  The information contained in this blog is general in nature and may not necessarily be the law in your state.  The information contained herein should not nor should it ever take the place of that of attorney licensed to practice law in your state.  I encourage you to seek the advice of an attorney if you have further questions or concerns.

Now that the formalities are out the way, let’s get down to the real business.  Yesterday I talked about how a woman spends child support is not the business of the father unless the child isn’t being taken care of.  This apparently is a really sore spot for a lot of the gentlemen and even some of the ladies.  There are some trifling ass people in this world on both sides of this and since the most complaints came from the gentlemen about how the court system is designed to “empower the woman” I decided that since I work in the legal field (again not an attorney) that I would give you all some information that you may or may not know.

Let me start by saying that the court system is not your enemy if you know how to work it.  The key is knowledge.  Don’t listen to these “armchair attorneys” (men/women who have been through “it” before, etc.) and for the love of Pete, don’t listen to anyone at the courts either because they aren’t equipped to give you sound legal advice; and by law they aren’t supposed to (this is meant for the clerks in the court, secretaries, etc.).  Hell from what I’ve seen a lot of court appointed attorneys don’t give advice worth a shit either because their case load is too heavy and they just want you to plead out or take the “easy” route instead.  Don’t do it guys.  This is how you end up being railroaded into serving time for shit you didn’t do, serving more time than you should for shit you did do and being ran the hell over by a Mack truck, a train, a boat and a car when it comes to having to pay child support to some trifling girl you slept with and didn’t protect yourself.

Keeping in mind that a lot of people feel that the courts were designed to give women all the power and that isn’t necessarily true.  Let’s put it like this, men designed the court system and in our society, in all societies, it is believed that women should take care of the children this is why more often than not, they get custody of the kids and it takes damn near an act of congress in order for her to lose it.  Being a crack head whore isn’t enough either these days.  While is hard for a man to get custody of his children it isn’t impossible.  He just needs to know what to do.

If you don’t do anything else, if you have any reason to believe that the child in question is not yours then the moment she takes you to court for child support, request a paternity test.  In this day and age, even if you firmly believe that the child is yours, ask for it anyway.  She might get pissed the hell off but it will definitely save you from having to pay child support on a child that isn’t yours.  Also, for the record, don’t ever waive your right to have a paternity test.  If it is determined that the child isn’t yours then you need not go any further.  If, on the other hand, it is determined that the child is yours the next thing I’m going to tell you is going to be crucial.

Some of you seem to think that you can’t get joint custody of your child if you aren’t married.  That is so false it’s ridiculous.  You have just as much right to your child as she does.  Too many times men just give over full custody to these women then whine about how much child support they have to pay and they don’t ever get to see their child.  Well guess what?  You may have visitation if she went through the court system but if you aren’t going to press the issue then why bother with the visitation?  Seeking joint custody along with the visitation gives you the power to tell her to kiss your ass when she tries to hold the children hostage because you aren’t paying child support.  That is a definite no-go.  That piece of paper signed by a judge gives you just as much rights to see your children whether you are paying or not.  Joint custody with one parent having physical custody is in your best interest if you want to be a part of your child’s life (and you should want to be).  THIS should be your number one priority when you get slapped with a child support suit.

Now let’s talk about how child support is calculated.  I’m going use Virginia since this is where I live.  Some states do it differently but for the most part it’s pretty much done the same way across the board.  Your individual state should have a website that will help you calculate how much you should be paying.  Here in Virginia a formula is used to calculate how much the custodial parent gets (the one that has physical custody of the child).  This is based on your verifiable income and her verifiable income.  If she has no income but has the potential get be gainfully employed, Virginia will take that into consideration as well.  So if she wants to work that minimum wage job that’s her business but it will be counted as income for her and if she is on all kinds of public assistance, guess what?  You’ll be paying the state back and she won’t see a dime of your money (so you know exactly where it’s going to go).  The online form for Virginia can be found on Virginia Department of Social Services (DSS) website at Virginia Department of Social Services .

Coincidentally, I found out that something very interesting for those who want to quit their jobs in order to get their child support reduced (and maybe even increased) the following:

Any career change, any investment, is by nature a voluntary act. We do not perceive the law defining obligations of child support to be intended to frustrate ambition or enterprise. Therefore, we construe the term “voluntary act” to describe a willful act done for the purpose of frustrating the feasibility or enforceability of the support obligation. Thus, an applicant who shows a reduced ability to satisfy his obligation, which is not due to his wrongdoing, his neglect of his affairs, or his intentional diminution of his financial capacity other than in connection with a bona fide and reasonable business undertaking, is entitled to have that reduction considered along with the other usual factors, including his general earning capability, in determining his child support obligation.*

*Source:  Family Law Blog

How I found this information out was quite by accident because my DEH tried to say because he lost a certain portion of his income (a bonus that was given to him monthly because of his particular job) that the court should take into account that he would no longer be receiving it.  My attorney dropped this bit of knowledge on him the judge basically told him too bad so sad.  He didn’t get the amount reduced.  So don’t think that if you quit your job, voluntarily get a lower paying job, etc. that Virginia courts are going to take pity on you because they won’t they just don’t want to have to pay to raise your child so they are going to make you keep your “good paying job” and as a matter of principle you should want to anyway this is, after all, your child’s wellbeing we are talking about.

Now I know I’ve not shared a whole lot of information but I’ve given you all just enough to be dangerous.  Google is your friend and you can find out this stuff on your own if you just look for it.  Child support issues tend to be a highly emotionally charged time for everyone.  People are bitter, angry and hurt about the whole situation and no one is thinking with a clear head when they get hit with the papers.  Clearing your head and thinking of the big picture will help you in the end.  Just keep your wits about you.

Now I’m about to give you some “motherly” advice as only Double E knows how, straight from the hip and not pulling any punches:

  1.  If you aren’t ready to have children then don’t.  It’s just that simple.  Protect yourself at all costs.  Use condoms every single time you have sex and buy your own and use your own condoms and dispose of them yourself.  This doesn’t mean throw them away in HER bathroom, take that shit and wrap it up in a paper towel and take it with you and dispose of.  Extreme and doing too much you say?  HA!  Check out this article and then get back to me on how “extreme and doing too much” it is. (Trifling woman).  It’s not even a joke folks. Trifling ass women do this shit daily!
  2. Be mindful of who you are sleeping with.  This goes for both men and women.  If you know this man has several kids by several different women and you know he isn’t taking care of them then what in the world makes you think that he is going to take care of you and yours?  You don’t have the magic poo-nanny that will make him do better and your name isn’t Ms. Sunshine.  The same thing for you gentlemen.  If she has what they called “the disease” back in my day (all kinds of kids with all kinds of men, more than likely doesn’t even know who their fathers are and keeps on having them just to get a check) then your “jimmy” isn’t going to change that and what you need to do is take my advice from #1 or just avoid her ass all together (i.e., run like hell in the opposite direction and FAST).
  3. If you do have children, don’t keep having them and not taking care of them.  That child or those children did not ask to be here and they are your responsibility not the states responsibility.  If you know damn well you aren’t taking care of yourself worth a shit then bringing another person into this world that you won’t take care of isn’t helping them or you.  Get your shit together before you bring someone else into it and ruin their life.

Double E

Posted February 10, 2012 by doublee42 in Things I see

Child Support: What she does with the money is not your concern or is it?   13 comments

Ok gentlemen, this one is for those of you who pay child support regularly and feel that you should know exactly how the custodial parent spends the money or believe that the money should go directly to the child without the custodial parent touching it at all, as if it is some sort of trust fund for when they reach a certain age or something.  I have male friends who gripe about this all the time and I’ve seen men gripe about this online when this very subject is broached.  As the custodial parent of two minor children still in high school, I’m here to tell you that unless you actually have physical custody of the child(ren) then what she does with the money is none of your business unless the kids are walking around looking raggedy and unkempt, they aren’t being fed and their living conditions are horrendous (in other words, they are homeless); then and only then should you have a serious problem with how the money is spent. 

Using myself as an example, as I only know how, I get child support from my DEH for our two kids.  In the beginning he balked at even having to pay because he also had to pay me (spousal support) and that was the rub.  His argument was that I would only use the money to pay “my bills.”  Ok, let me just toss this out there for the record, I love my children dearly and wouldn’t trade either one of them for the world and killing someone about them goes without saying (even though I just said I would), but a child is a bill and the older they get the more expensive they become.  So if you aren’t a witness to this on a daily basis then you have no clue exactly how much they cost.  I can say he had a taste of it when they were babies but he has no clue exactly how much they cost now that they are older.  Even my daughter said she felt bad because she felt like she had come home every day for a solid week asking for money (this is when I first lost my job) and it’s because she did. 

Let me explain how the money is spent:  That car I drive to work every day?  That car is also a taxi to get the kids to the doctor, dentist, to the school when necessary and to every other extra-curricular activity that they partake in and back home.  So if it breaks down and I use the child support money to get it fixed, guess what?  That was for the benefit of the children and not just me because I drive it.  That roof over their head in the form of a house or an apartment, yes that one; rent/mortgage is due on that every month along with insurance (renters) and if something breaks down in the house, yes, it must be fixed.  If I use the money to get it fixed, it’s for the benefit of the children.  That credit card I used because I didn’t have any cash at the time to get the $500 plus in school supplies that they needed at the beginning of school and the $500 I spent on school clothes and shoes per kid, if I use the money to pay that credit card off, it was for the benefit of the children.  Those shoes they needed in the middle of the year because the ones you bought at the beginning of the year are all but gone, yes that is for the benefit of the child.  Those groceries that they eat daily  (and if you have a son like mine he can put away a lot of food in one single sitting and still claim to be hungry) those don’t just fall out of the sky into the cabinets and the fridge and freezer; yes, that’s what the money goes towards. Because you all don’t see how the money is spent or how it benefits the child you automatically assume she is doing something other than what she is supposed to be doing with the money. 

Don’t get me wrong, there are some trifling ass women out there who don’t use the money for its intended purpose and their kids are walking around looking homeless.  Those are the ones that even I have issue with as a parent.  She’s not working but she gets her hair and nails done every week, she goes shopping for her every day; yes, those are the ones that give the ones like me a bad name.  I’m not that woman.  I actually detest shopping and mall is a four-letter curse word to me.  But just like you gentlemen don’t like being lumped in with all the other less than desirable men, don’t lump all of us ladies who are doing the right thing with the child support in with the ones who aren’t doing the right thing. 

Having said all of this, if you feel that she isn’t using the child support in the way that is beneficial to the children (and you can’t just go in half cocked because you’re mad) you have to have proof of it.  If every single time you get your kids and they look like they are homeless and unkempt and they claim to not have eaten or there’s no food in the house, do some investigating first.  I say investigate because my kids claim there is no food in the house and that’s a lie, there’s plenty they just don’t want to cook it because I don’t buy processed food bits for them to throw in the microwave. 

If you feel that you have sufficient proof of things then take her back to court for custody of the child(ren) and have your ducks in a row.  Make her prove that she is doing what she is supposed to do with the money.  If used properly, the courts are your friends, but you can’t just sit around and complain about it and do nothing about it because it’s your children(ren) who suffer the most when things aren’t being done right by them and you can’t make her life hell by not paying the support because you “don’t like what she does with the money.”  Again, it’s not your business if your kids are taken care of properly.

Now on the flip side, just because she isn’t buying the latest fashion for your kids or the most expensive shoes (those $200+ Jordan’s are not necessary) then don’t bother.   This isn’t a fashion show and necessity is the name of the game.  They don’t need an X-box, Play Station, Jordan’s, or any other name brands you can think of because as my grandmother used to say “if you want someone’s name plastered across your ass, I can sew your name on your pants and you can have at it.”  It should be noted that my actual first name is or was at one point famous in the fashion industry and I believe that is why my grandmother said that.  *ha ha ha*

But here’s the best advice of all, if you don’t want to take care of your kids then stop getting women pregnant.  Spreading your seed and not taking care of your seed isn’t cute and only perpetuates the cycle of single mothers struggling to raise children on their own with or without your help.  While she bears responsibility in this too, you all should take extra steps to make sure you are covered because like I said, there are some trifling women out here who will take advantage of a man with money so it’s to protect you if nothing else.

 

Double E

 

Who belongs in your relationship?   2 comments

Now here’s a question that has been asked since the beginning of relationships.  I’ve been a party to several discussions in several groups and sitting around talking to my friends about this very thing.  The consensus is that the only people who belong in a relationship are you and the person you are with.  Not your mom, your dad, your sister, your best girlfriend or your best guy friend. 

Ever wonder why guys in relationships don’t really care for your single girlfriends?  Well truth be told, it’s because a lot of them are bitter and we all know people who suffer from BBS are like poison to any relationship.  The reason is because while they say they are “happy for you” what they feel deep down is that they are miserable and they want you to be miserable with them.  “Misery loves company” isn’t just a saying, it’s the truth. 

Ladies, let me give you a bit of unsolicited advice, don’t tell your girlfriends how good your guy is and definitely don’t tell them when you guys are having problems.  First of all it’s none of their business how well or how badly you are doing in your relationship.  That is something that you should only be discussing with your partner, a priest or a therapist; but especially with your partner.  If you’re not happy about things that are going on in the relationship you should be talking to the person and telling them how you feel about it.  Not your girlfriends.  Venting to them isn’t a good idea either.  Trust me they are storing the information for later use. 

Being a female, I know how females operate.  Curiosity about how your man really is will kill them every time because if he is as good as you say he is they may want to test the waters and see what it is you’re talking about.  Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying this about all women because all women aren’t like that but there are quite a few of them out there that are and those are the ones you need to be careful with.  So when I see another female pushing up on my boyfriend or when I was married my husband, I had a problem with it, big time problem.  If you two weren’t best friends before you met me then the odds that you and she being best friends after the fact isn’t going to happen without some problems from me.  I’m just putting it out there.

Women who suffer from BBS will tell you “girl, he ain’t no good for you”, “girl, you should leave him” and every other negative thing they can think of, but the one thing they never say to you is “have you talked to him about this?”  Yeah, a real friend will ask you this question and even tell you that you need to talk to him and whatever you do, don’t walk in one day and announce “we need to talk.”  Those four words send shivers down a man’s spine like no other four words in the English language when used together.  If you’ve ever said this to your man, stop.  If you have and you’ve ever paid attention to his reaction it’s instant.  His eyes sort of glaze over as if he is about to pass out and I’m pretty sure he’s screaming inside his head. It pretty much freaks them out. 

Approaching them and wanting to talk shouldn’t be a painful experience for them or you.  Pick a time where both of you are together and you’re just sitting around and just start talking to him.  Sure this sounds like a surprise attack but it isn’t.  This approach is more humane than the “we need to talk.”  Whatever you do, don’t pick the time where he’s watching football, baseball, boxing, ESPN Sports Center, or playing the x-box, or any other distracting activity because it annoys them.  Now I know the television stays on ESPN but if he’s in the middle of watching that same loop he watched 30 minutes ago, I’m sure he didn’t miss anything and you can talk to him then.  Just don’t interrupt any of his “man cave/guy time” because you wouldn’t want him interrupting you girl time would you?

One thing I would like to mention, real girlfriends have this unspoken rule that they don’t date their other girlfriends’ exes.  I’m not sure where this rule came from or where it started but I remember in high school we didn’t date our girls’ left over guy.  I admit I did it once, but it was out of pure spite and I did like the guy but we didn’t work out.  Guys, on the other hand, don’t have this rule about dating their boys’ ex-girlfriend.  No questions asked.  This has always fascinated me how the “rules” are different for guys than they are for the females.   

Fellas, oh you thought I forgot about you?  Never!  Your guy friends are the same way.  Now I’m not completely sure about what it is that guys sit around and talk about but I am relatively sure it’s not all about sports.  Sure you might be watching the game or something but you’re not sitting around talking about it either.  Same rules apply to you too don’t talk to your fellas about your girl.  Just like a female, some guys will attempt to test the water to see how committed she is to you.

Other people who don’t belong in your relationship are relatives.  Their gender doesn’t matter but for some reason Mother-in-laws seem to have gotten a bad rap somewhere along the way.  I have to tell you my ex M-I-L was and is still cool.  She never injected herself into my marriage to her son.  Some of his siblings, on the other hand, were always ready with the advice that I didn’t ask for and damn sure didn’t need; but the funny part about it all is that when they should have been talking, no one had anything to say.  Oh irony! 

So the lesson here is the only people that belong in your relationship is you and the person you’re with.  If you have to talk to someone that isn’t your significant other because you need to figure out some things, talk to God.  He’s listening and He will tell you exactly what you need to hear; then when you figure it out, talk to your partner and no one else. 

Keep other folks out your business.  Believe me you’ll be happier that you did.

 

Double E

Posted February 8, 2012 by doublee42 in Relationships

Fake versus Real Love: Do you know the difference?   2 comments

On its surface this question may seem as if it’s a simple answer, and for a lot of people it is a very simple answer, but for others they can’t tell the difference between the two until it’s too late and they’ve fallen head over heels for the fake love instead of the real love.  I believe if you know who you are and the person that you are dealing with as well as you know yourself, you will be able to tell the difference between the two relatively easily.  The key is to know who you are and what it is that you want in a significant other.

Fake love often looks exactly like the real thing or does it?  To me, and this is just my humble opinion, fake love doesn’t look a single thing like real love, that’s why it is fake.  If you pay attention to it you will see it for what it really is and that all of its intricacies are nothing but a thin veil of lies.  Fake love only gives you what it thinks you want and tells you what it thinks you want to hear in order to get something out of you; whether it’s sex or money they are giving you they believe you want in order to get what they want.  It’s a give and take type thing but for all the wrong reasons.  If I have to give you something in order to get something in return then that really isn’t love to me.  If I have to beg you to do things with me or for me it’s fake love, because love doesn’t beg.

Having lived through fake love and not recognizing it for a very long time (that 16 yr. self induced coma) I have had the opportunity to look back and see that from the very beginning it wasn’t as real as I thought it was.  I found out later on that every single thing he had ever given me he made mental notes of it and noted if I didn’t “return” the favor as he thought I should be returning it.  I, on the other hand, thought I was because it was little things.  An example would be for his birthday, I didn’t throw him elaborate surprise parties for a few reasons (1) I couldn’t get near his phone to contact his friends to get them in on the party (red flag, I know); (2) I had no clue that he liked that because he never told me; and (3) because I don’t like surprises.  I thought that by giving either treating him to his favorite restaurant or cooking his favorite meal or giving him something that he had “dropped a hint” about wanting was what he wanted. 

To me that is fake love.  Keeping up with every single thing you ever give the person you are allegedly in love with isn’t love either.  Love gives from the heart what it can give.  If I can’t afford to give you a $400 softball bat then I’m not going to give you the bat and I clearly can’t give you the money, yet that is what he expected.  He brought up something else I found interesting because I actually had to take several days to think about it before I could even respond to his accusation and that was not because I was “old” it was because I didn’t think about things like that.  He accused me of never having bought him anything.  I had to go back damn, 17 yrs. before I could come up with ALL the stuff I’d bought him.  I gave myself a damn headache with that one.  Only giving the person something because they gave you something first, isn’t love either. 

Real love, on the other hand is completely opposite of the fake.  Real love is doing things for one another from the heart and not from the wallet.  It’s not keeping tabs on things given and it’s definitely not about being selfish.  It’s about acceptance of a person, flaws and all, and being able to love the person in spite of these flaws.  It’s not to say that you are settling with someone who has a boatload of flaws because you shouldn’t, but no one is perfect so you shouldn’t expect perfection from another.  Love has many faces but the face it wears depends on what you want.  Their actions will match their words in every way. 

Knowing who you are and what you want will help you recognize the difference between real and fake.

Do you know who you are so you can tell the difference?

 

Double E

 

Posted February 8, 2012 by doublee42 in Relationships

The other 364 Days of the year….   2 comments

As we all know Valentine’s Day is right around the corner.  Go into any store and you will see a sea of red and pink balloons, flowers, stuff animals and a field of roses.  They started putting these things out in some stores before Christmas was even over. Leading a lot of us to say “um, can we get through one holiday first before you start shoving the next one down our throats please and thank you?!”  Or was that just me? The single day out of the year men spend hundreds, sometimes thousands of dollars to show they love their girlfriends/wives by buying the overpriced gifts, balloons, teddy bears that say “I love you” and chocolate and women either sit around and wait for these things or pout because they broke up with their boyfriend right before or don’t have anyone at all and whine about it until it’s over.  Some ladies have even resorted to buying their own roses and having them sent to their office proclaiming “I love me some me!”  I would rather go buy myself some shoes to show how much I love me some me. 

The beginning of this “day of love” better known as Valentine’s Day or Saint Valentine’s Day is unclear.  According to the website www.history.com, it may have had something to do with the celebration of the death and/or burial of Saint Valentine that occurred in 270 A.D. and that the Catholic Church may have decided to place the celebration in the middle of February in an effort to “Christianize” the pagan celebration. (Sidebar:  anyone ever notice that a lot of Christian holidays used to be pagan holidays?  This is something to think about here folks, because there is more to Christianity than what you are being taught in Sunday school.  Sidebar:  over).  You can read more about this holiday at http://www.history.com/topics/valentines-day

I have no clue when this entire thing became so commercialized though.  This part, I believe, may have been started by Hallmark® as a way to sale greeting cards and it literally blew up from there because every other industry wanted a piece of the pie.  Hersey’s chocolate, the toy industry, florists and of course the greeting card companies have all capitalized on this day of “love”.  Walk into any store and you will see row upon row of greeting cards all professing some kind of undying love for “her” for “him” for “them” for the kids, the dog, the cat and your pet gerbil; there are “heart” shaped boxes of pink and red colored candies, bags of chocolate all shaped in the form of a “heart”, shelf after shelf of stuffed bears, dragons, gorillas (?), dogs and any other animal you can think of all holding hearts that say “I luv (love, wub, lub) you (u)”, some even sing and “dance”.  Quite frankly it’s enough to make you want to either hurl or light a match and watch it all go up in flames, but I’m not mad though.  Make that money!

Here’s my gripe though; why would you want someone to only show you they love you on this one day of the year?  Now before anyone goes all south and sideways on me thinking that I’m bitter because I’m single and I’m not getting anything, don’t bother.  I haven’t gotten anything for Valentine’s Day in years (even before my marriage was over) and if I did, it was surely a last minute “oh yeah I forgot, I’m married and I should get her something” type thing and giant cards from my kids don’t count; so this day hasn’t really meant anything to me for a while.  If I wanted something, I’d send myself a dozen roses, buy a box of candy and not bother with the dust gatherers called stuffed animals.  Don’t get me wrong, it’d be great if I did get something, but trust me, I’m not expecting anything and I’m not pressed about it either. 

I actually prefer that if I were with someone that they show me they love me every other day but this one.   Why?  That’s simple, I prefer you didn’t spend a small fortune on a dozen roses that are going to shrivel up and die after a week (has anyone noticed that the month before Valentine’s Day roses are $9.99 a dozen and then on February 1st they darn near triple in price????  Can you say “highway robbery”?), a card that will be displayed for a few days or a week after the fact only to be crammed in a drawer some place and forgotten or even placed in a scrap book to be forgotten; and a stuffed something that will no doubt gather dust while sitting in the corner of your room or even die a horrible “death” upon the break-up with the person who bestowed it upon you.

If you love me, show me that before this day and even after this day but don’t go out of your way to show me just this day that you love me.  Buy me a single rose every day.  Don’t buy me chocolate though.  Not into sweets like that and hug me every day and you be my teddy bear.  Those are the types of things that I prefer.  But the biggest gift of all that you could give me is your time.  I value that above all the other crap. 

So, as a “heads up” to anyone who claims to love me in that way, the best way for you to show me that you really do is to show up the day before Valentine’s or even the day after, unannounced, with a single rose in hand and tell me that you want to spend a few hours with me, cuddled up on the couch watching a movie and/or talking.  That’s how I know you really do love me.

 

Double E

Posted February 6, 2012 by doublee42 in Things I see

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