Should you tell your friend their significant other is cheating?   15 comments

I’ve seen people ask this question all over the place and from my understanding even Wendy Williams has had this discussion on her show.  I don’t have television so I’m relying on someone else’s account of what went on during Wendy Williams’ show.  According to my “source” she said to leave an “anonymous” note on their car but that she would find a way to tell the person that they are being played for a fool. 

The first question you have got to ask yourself, “is it really my business to tell this information, friend or not?”  Although that doesn’t seem as though it’s a concern of anyone who is willing to “run tell that”, it should be a very real concern.  In my humble opinion, it isn’t your business, unless you are the one sleeping with the person.  If you are it becomes the only reason you would be telling is because they did something to hurt you or piss you off and you figured why not ruin their life in the process of them having ruined your own.  Pure vengeance would be the only reason that you would do this if you were the one s/he was cheating with. 

Say you’ve ascertained that it actually is somehow your business, now what?  How do you fix your lips to break the bad news to your friend that the person they love is cheating on them?  Not as easy as it sounds is it?  If you are bold enough to think it’s your business, duty and right to tell then you should be prepared for your friend’s reaction to the news.  More often than not, it’s met with anger, directed at you.    

Confused?  You shouldn’t be, because people don’t always react the way you think they would or that you think they should.  Some people get fighting mad at the person telling them this bit of information and the first thing they do is want to curse out or “go off on” the one that told them the news.  While this is usually some type of defense mechanism that automatically engages, I think that it happens that way because they already knew and just didn’t want to “know”.  Denial is a deep subject but it isn’t a river in Egypt folks.  I suspect this is why Ms. Williams suggested the anonymous note on the friend’s car.  Seems safer that way doesn’t it?  It should be noted that if you opt to write that note, either type it or get someone else to write it for you.  Your friend will recognize your handwriting. 

I’m no psychiatrist but I think that the reason that people have a tendency to react badly to the news that their significant other is cheating is because of the hurt or it could even be the fear of being alone.  Like some abuse victims that run to relatives when they get beat only to end up defending the abuser, it’s all psychological.  This is why police officers take down the abuser regardless of what the victim says because they have been trained to recognize that it is fear that keeps them from pressing charges against their abuser. 

Then again, you do have some people that take the news rather well about their significant other cheating on them.  They don’t have any type of reaction at all and just say “thank you”, nod their head and say nothing else.  This was sort of my reaction to when it happened to me.  I was calm and I didn’t rant or rave about it.  As a matter-of-fact the first time someone told me my DEH was cheating on me (the last time) I simple told them that I didn’t do the “he said/she said” thing and that although I didn’t doubt the person telling me, I just had nothing I could work with to do anything about it, so I forgot about it but I waited.  This wait took me about two years because that was the day I got the phone call that I found out the truth.  You know the one I talked about in yesterday’s blog here.

Everyone isn’t going to react with the quiet, cool, calmness that I did.  I’m sure it was something to fear because from my understanding, my children fear me the most when I’m “too calm” about something that a normal person would have blown their gasket about.  That’s when they typically high tail it out of dodge because they don’t want to see the wrath that comes from that type of calmness, especially in me (but I’m not a violent person.  You can stop laughing now.  No seriously, stop laughing).  Even my son said I sounded funny when he talked to me that night.  I have to wonder what went through my DEH’s head when he spoke to me because he sounded calm as hell too.  When I spoke to him I simply asked “why didn’t you tell me when I asked you all those times?”  His response was he didn’t want to happen what was going to happen.  For him, it was about money.  That’s not what it was about for me, it was about my kids.  However, that is another story in and of its self. 

My point is this, if you think that telling your friend that their significant other is cheating on them is somehow your business or it’s going to win you brownie points, forget it.  More often than not, the anger will be directed towards you and you alone. 

So I say, mind your own business.  It’s safer that way.

 

Double E

 

 

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Posted February 3, 2012 by doublee42 in Relationships, Things I see

15 responses to “Should you tell your friend their significant other is cheating?

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  1. That is such a hard one too. I’ve been really pressed to tell in the past because it was a friend or something and I didn’t want to see them hurt or made a fool of. It always goes wrong though. They jump off at you. I don’t know…I think it may be the shock of it. If you had to tell and that was their reaction, I think it’s usually because they had no clue and suspected nothing. The ones who suspect their mate of cheating usually know before you could tell them anyway. I think it’s a case of you busted their bubble, their fantasy about Mr. or Mrs. Right.

  2. I feel a duty to inform a friend if I suspect their spouse/SO is cheating. I bring across the information matter of factually and then they can rage or investigate for themselves. hate me for saying it or love me for the honesty, in the long term, once they see that its true, they come to me to cry on my shoulders and tend to listen closer when I speak from then on out. your reasoning of “because of the hurt or it could even be the fear of being alone.” is very close from what I have found, the only other aspect is that the “hurt” is broken into different categories, hurt 1, they cheated on you, that hurts…. hurt 2, you didnt see it coming, that hurts…. hurt 3, its embarrassing to have others know about the details of your sex life and others knowing they cheated and you didnt hurts….
    just because they dont want to hear honesty and refusal to see or admit it and direct their anger towards me doesnt make it not true and a TRUE friend would tell, only an acquaintance would keep their mouth shut and let the other person suffer in ignorance.

    so I have to ask…. what is going to hurt your friendship more, telling them about dishonesty in their sex life or after they find out about it from another means they find out you knew all along and said nothing…………. you tell me……

    • See, suspected is the problem I have. No proof and you just casually mentioning it could cause problems where there are none. Whether I know 100% or not, I still feel it isn’t my place to tell unless I’m asked specifically. This is why I don’t do three “he said, she said” because rumors cause more damage than the truth ever could. This is why I don’t say anything unless asked because what I see could be completely harmless.

      • he said she said is the key there. I feel its my moral and friendship responsibility to look into something like this. I would dismiss a third party informant unless they have time and locations that show a traceable pattern. I may plant the seed of doubt in the informants ears if they dont have the proof I need which would either shut them up or get them to reveal names…….

      • I’m sorry but I love the people i call friend but running around investigating speculation is not something I want to devote time to. I also don’t put stock into gossip so if someone is telling me something they heard then it’s gossip aka he said, she said. None of which I partake in.

  3. This is always a tricky one, but there’s a saying that real friends can tell and take the truth. I think it’s a judgment call situation. We know our friends and who we can be honest with and who requires sugar coating. The only thing I wouldn’t do is bring a story someone gave me.

    • Fair enough but as Andrue stated speculation. If I didn’t see it with my own eyes (them on bed together) then its not my business. I won’t even tell that if they don’t ask

  4. I wouldn’t tell them but I damn sure would probably help them find out on their own….I wouldn’t want any one telling me… Just let me find out… Its better that way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A woman knows when her man is cheating on her….. the signs are there…She just needs to see it for herself….

  5. I think I would be really hurt if my friend knew and didn’t tell me. If one of my friends did tell me, I would thank them, ask for the details they are aware of, and then investigate for myself.

  6. Honestly, yes it would hurt for someone to tell me my hubby was cheating on me, but I don’t like the thought of everyone else but me knowing my business – especially bedroom business.

    Gossip or not, let me find out so I can do my own snooping. Now, shoe on the other foot, yes, I’d tell. I’d honestly have to have seen something crazy like a full on open-faced kiss or something. Because I saw a person hug another person for like two seconds means nothing to me – a long embrace warrants me tattling.

    There’s always differences in actions of friends and those of lovers.

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