Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

You’re kidding me right? How would you handle this one?   4 comments

So Valentine’s Day was a few days ago big freaking whoop.  No, I’m not bitter because I’m single.  I’m actually mad about the whole day because it’s one big robbery courtesy of Hallmark ®, Whitman’s Chocolates ® and FTD ®.  As one friend put it, women are holding men at gun point telling them they better get something for this day or else.  I even saw someone on my newsfeed on Facebook ® say that if she didn’t get flowers delivered to her job she was going to be mad!  Really???!!  It just isn’t that damn serious ladies and if you feel that you need to be validated by this highly overrated day then do you, by all means.  Valentine’s Day is not what I want to talk about though.  I already did that in my blog “What about the other 364 days.” 

Today what I want to talk about is how you would handle someone from your past coming back to you to tell you “they fucked up” and they want to make it up to you.  Let me give the scenario.  You really like this guy and you let him know that you do.  While he acknowledges how you feel he tells you straight up that he isn’t interested in a relationship because he has had his heart broken before by someone and he doesn’t want to be hurt again.  What he doesn’t tell you is that he is actually in love with someone else but denies ever having been in a relationship with this person.

Fast forward several months that the two of you have been hanging out off and on.  Going to the movies, going out to dinner, watching movies at his apartment, etc., but you feel as if you are doing too much and not getting anything really in return, but he says that you are good and that he is okay with how things are; so you just stay in the friend zone, nothing serious, just friends.  So fast forward to him moving to another state because of his job and barely keeping in touch with and when he comes back into town he shows zero to very little interest in hanging out with you.  This is when you find out all the stuff he had been saying about the other woman was a complete fabrication of the truth and she forwards to you emails that he has sent to her professing his undying love for her.  Cool.  You back off and leave it alone even though you’re pissed off because yet another knee-grow has lied to you when all you asked for was the truth. This also explains, among other things, why you didn’t see him the last time he was in town.

So he goes back from wince he came and you talk off and on and you are ok with that.  Your birthday comes and you get a phone call, from him.  You think it’s odd but you go with it because heck, he’s the only person outside your family that has called you to wish you a happy birthday anyway.  You talk for hours about absolutely nothing because you’re friends but the one question that he asked that some men like to do is “what’s going on with you?” 

Now I was suspicious of this question from jump because experience has taught me that when a man asks that question what he really wants to know is if you’re seeing anyone but instead of simply asking that question he feels the need to talk in some sort of “code” language, but I get it and I go along with it simply saying there isn’t anything going on with me because it wasn’t and it still isn’t. 

A few months go by and you don’t hear from him any more until you get a few emails from him asking how things are going and that infamous “what’s going on with you?” and idle chit chat.  He sends a few pictures of himself at work and that’s cool.  He has a pretty cool job even if someone called it being a “parking lot attendant” (inside joke and if you’re reading this you know you said it).  Then from out of left field he tells you that he “made a mistake” in picking the other girl over you because she was all about drama and wanting to be the center of attention (not that he already didn’t know this but whatever) which is why she is the way she is.  You knew that because you know her.  Bag lady doesn’t even begin to cover it. 

Now this new revelation catches you completely off guard because you had no idea that he was even contemplating going there with you but he assures you that it isn’t a joke on his part.  Every question you throw at him, he has a response for.

Now my first instinct regardless of what he says is “paha!!!  He’s full of more shit than the combined assholes in Congress.”  I’m still feeling that way because after two plus years you can’t just suddenly feel like you made a mistake when you haven’t shown any signs that you were even interested. 

Now readers, what do you think?  I have asked some of my closer friends and it’s funny that one guy says “give him a chance because guys make stupid mistakes” and other guys (I have a lot of guy friends that are all plutonic) say “hell no, keep it moving!”  The ladies all say the same thing I do.  So I’m asking others what do you think, should he be given a chance or told to talk a long walk off a short pier?

Double E

Posted February 16, 2012 by doublee42 in Relationships

Walking away: It’s not as easy as you would think but real friends make it easier   1 comment

I have some very interesting friends and former high school classmates.  They say the darnedest things on Facebook® and they are more often than not the truth.  Very much like what I would say to one of my friends when they come to me seeking it.  Today is a good example of something profound that one of them said on her status message. 

As we all know, Whitney Houston passed away this weekend in a scene that could only be described as tragic.  We all know that at one point in her life she was strung out on drugs and had gotten herself cleaned up and was attempting to make a comeback into music.   While we don’t know what she died from (people are guessing and assuming it was a drug overdose when there was absolutely no evidence of it) it is still a great loss in the music industry.   Early on, Ms. Houston had made a comment about her ex husband, Bobby Brown, being her drug.  This apparently got my former classmate to thinking about it and she said, in a nutshell, anything or anyone that is bad for you or keeping you from your walk with God that you need to “kick the habit.” 

Well this got me to thinking about what my bad habits are and/or were.  I readily admit that like Ms. Houston, my DEH used to be my “drug.”  I say this because when we parted company, my world had revolved around him and our children.  While my world still somewhat revolves around my two younger children, it no longer does with my DEH or anyone else for that matter. 

I have to admit that when I was going through my separation and divorce it was difficult for me to let go.  I had spent the better part of my life with one person and walking away, or giving up, was not in my DNA.  I almost felt like I was going through withdrawal like a person addicted to crack or heroine.  The pain may not have been as severe as what one who is actually on those drugs goes through but for me it was very real and it hurt like hell. 

When do you realize that it is time to walk away from that?  I can honestly say for me I walked away or “kicked the habit” when I got that phone call from my DEH’s then girlfriend.  But what was going on with me that prevented me from kicking that habit that was my DEH for so long?  I knew that he was toxic for me but I didn’t want to admit it. 

He showed all the classic symptoms of being a sociopath.  No, not that sociopath, but the other one where they just don’t give a shit about anything but themselves.  He also displayed all the classic signs of having suffered from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and he had never been in a combat situation but keep in mind that one does not necessarily have to experience combat for this to happen.  That’s why it’s called “post traumatic” because any traumatic situation can happen that would cause you to be that way.  I really thought something was wrong with him mentally but then I realized it wasn’t him; it was me. 

He was my drug and I needed to kick that habit in a hurry. 

My biggest fear was being angry and bitter for the rest of my life.  Most would think that the way I acted it would have been being alone but it wasn’t.  I had been alone for years before I was “alone” so being alone didn’t bother me it actually excited me a little because I had never been on my own before.  I had gone from living with my mother to living with him to being married to him.  As my mother pointed out, I had always had someone there to take care of me.  As a side note, I’m not really sure he took care of me because I did it all so I took care of myself and him because he was there. 

Then when I took a really good look around I realized that I had been in this place for several years and I had no real friends.  The only real friend I had moved away and had gone back to Texas.  Other than that all I had was associates and acquaintances.  It’s funny because before she left I had told her that she was the only “anchor” that I had to people we used to work with and that when she left, no one would be calling me to go hang out.  She said that it wasn’t true well, imagine her surprise when I told her that no one called me and no one asked me to go out with them since she left.  I knew it was going to happen but that was ok with me because I was always the quiet one of the group and didn’t do all the gossiping and bullshit that a lot of women do when they get together.  Besides, I was still going through my separation and divorce when she left and I’m pretty sure had they called me to go out with them they would all only want to know what was going on and then I would turn into the office gossip when they went back to work.  Thanks but no thanks.  The saying if they talk about others to you they are talking about you to others is so true.

So I set out to make new friends.  Not as easy as one would think but I made it happen and now I have friends, real friends.  With these friends, they made it easy for me to kick my habit of my DEH and walk away from him. They took my mind off of him and my situation if only for a little while when we hung out together.  They have also made it easier to forget him and all the toxicity that was him.  He was no good for me and deep down I knew he wasn’t even though I held on to him for dear life, it was through Him and my friends here on earth, that I was able to finally let him go.

So to all my real friends (and I know you know who you are), thank you for being in my life.  Thanks for being there for me, giving me the shoulder to cry on the ear to listen and the arms (be they virtual or real) that gave me a hug when that was all I needed.  My mother and my best friend, who know aren’t reading this, thank you two as well.  Without all of you I wouldn’t have been able to walk away.  You all made it easier.  And for You, thank you for that little voice in my head and my heart that I know is You telling me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear and when I wasn’t being still and listening, thanks for sending your angels to tell me what I refused to hear. 

If you find yourself in a situation where you find it difficult to walk away from but you know that you should, be still and listen.  Your friends, your real friends are talking to you too.  Walking away is easier with them than without.

 

Double E

Posted February 13, 2012 by doublee42 in Relationships

Who belongs in your relationship?   2 comments

Now here’s a question that has been asked since the beginning of relationships.  I’ve been a party to several discussions in several groups and sitting around talking to my friends about this very thing.  The consensus is that the only people who belong in a relationship are you and the person you are with.  Not your mom, your dad, your sister, your best girlfriend or your best guy friend. 

Ever wonder why guys in relationships don’t really care for your single girlfriends?  Well truth be told, it’s because a lot of them are bitter and we all know people who suffer from BBS are like poison to any relationship.  The reason is because while they say they are “happy for you” what they feel deep down is that they are miserable and they want you to be miserable with them.  “Misery loves company” isn’t just a saying, it’s the truth. 

Ladies, let me give you a bit of unsolicited advice, don’t tell your girlfriends how good your guy is and definitely don’t tell them when you guys are having problems.  First of all it’s none of their business how well or how badly you are doing in your relationship.  That is something that you should only be discussing with your partner, a priest or a therapist; but especially with your partner.  If you’re not happy about things that are going on in the relationship you should be talking to the person and telling them how you feel about it.  Not your girlfriends.  Venting to them isn’t a good idea either.  Trust me they are storing the information for later use. 

Being a female, I know how females operate.  Curiosity about how your man really is will kill them every time because if he is as good as you say he is they may want to test the waters and see what it is you’re talking about.  Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying this about all women because all women aren’t like that but there are quite a few of them out there that are and those are the ones you need to be careful with.  So when I see another female pushing up on my boyfriend or when I was married my husband, I had a problem with it, big time problem.  If you two weren’t best friends before you met me then the odds that you and she being best friends after the fact isn’t going to happen without some problems from me.  I’m just putting it out there.

Women who suffer from BBS will tell you “girl, he ain’t no good for you”, “girl, you should leave him” and every other negative thing they can think of, but the one thing they never say to you is “have you talked to him about this?”  Yeah, a real friend will ask you this question and even tell you that you need to talk to him and whatever you do, don’t walk in one day and announce “we need to talk.”  Those four words send shivers down a man’s spine like no other four words in the English language when used together.  If you’ve ever said this to your man, stop.  If you have and you’ve ever paid attention to his reaction it’s instant.  His eyes sort of glaze over as if he is about to pass out and I’m pretty sure he’s screaming inside his head. It pretty much freaks them out. 

Approaching them and wanting to talk shouldn’t be a painful experience for them or you.  Pick a time where both of you are together and you’re just sitting around and just start talking to him.  Sure this sounds like a surprise attack but it isn’t.  This approach is more humane than the “we need to talk.”  Whatever you do, don’t pick the time where he’s watching football, baseball, boxing, ESPN Sports Center, or playing the x-box, or any other distracting activity because it annoys them.  Now I know the television stays on ESPN but if he’s in the middle of watching that same loop he watched 30 minutes ago, I’m sure he didn’t miss anything and you can talk to him then.  Just don’t interrupt any of his “man cave/guy time” because you wouldn’t want him interrupting you girl time would you?

One thing I would like to mention, real girlfriends have this unspoken rule that they don’t date their other girlfriends’ exes.  I’m not sure where this rule came from or where it started but I remember in high school we didn’t date our girls’ left over guy.  I admit I did it once, but it was out of pure spite and I did like the guy but we didn’t work out.  Guys, on the other hand, don’t have this rule about dating their boys’ ex-girlfriend.  No questions asked.  This has always fascinated me how the “rules” are different for guys than they are for the females.   

Fellas, oh you thought I forgot about you?  Never!  Your guy friends are the same way.  Now I’m not completely sure about what it is that guys sit around and talk about but I am relatively sure it’s not all about sports.  Sure you might be watching the game or something but you’re not sitting around talking about it either.  Same rules apply to you too don’t talk to your fellas about your girl.  Just like a female, some guys will attempt to test the water to see how committed she is to you.

Other people who don’t belong in your relationship are relatives.  Their gender doesn’t matter but for some reason Mother-in-laws seem to have gotten a bad rap somewhere along the way.  I have to tell you my ex M-I-L was and is still cool.  She never injected herself into my marriage to her son.  Some of his siblings, on the other hand, were always ready with the advice that I didn’t ask for and damn sure didn’t need; but the funny part about it all is that when they should have been talking, no one had anything to say.  Oh irony! 

So the lesson here is the only people that belong in your relationship is you and the person you’re with.  If you have to talk to someone that isn’t your significant other because you need to figure out some things, talk to God.  He’s listening and He will tell you exactly what you need to hear; then when you figure it out, talk to your partner and no one else. 

Keep other folks out your business.  Believe me you’ll be happier that you did.

 

Double E

Posted February 8, 2012 by doublee42 in Relationships

Fake versus Real Love: Do you know the difference?   2 comments

On its surface this question may seem as if it’s a simple answer, and for a lot of people it is a very simple answer, but for others they can’t tell the difference between the two until it’s too late and they’ve fallen head over heels for the fake love instead of the real love.  I believe if you know who you are and the person that you are dealing with as well as you know yourself, you will be able to tell the difference between the two relatively easily.  The key is to know who you are and what it is that you want in a significant other.

Fake love often looks exactly like the real thing or does it?  To me, and this is just my humble opinion, fake love doesn’t look a single thing like real love, that’s why it is fake.  If you pay attention to it you will see it for what it really is and that all of its intricacies are nothing but a thin veil of lies.  Fake love only gives you what it thinks you want and tells you what it thinks you want to hear in order to get something out of you; whether it’s sex or money they are giving you they believe you want in order to get what they want.  It’s a give and take type thing but for all the wrong reasons.  If I have to give you something in order to get something in return then that really isn’t love to me.  If I have to beg you to do things with me or for me it’s fake love, because love doesn’t beg.

Having lived through fake love and not recognizing it for a very long time (that 16 yr. self induced coma) I have had the opportunity to look back and see that from the very beginning it wasn’t as real as I thought it was.  I found out later on that every single thing he had ever given me he made mental notes of it and noted if I didn’t “return” the favor as he thought I should be returning it.  I, on the other hand, thought I was because it was little things.  An example would be for his birthday, I didn’t throw him elaborate surprise parties for a few reasons (1) I couldn’t get near his phone to contact his friends to get them in on the party (red flag, I know); (2) I had no clue that he liked that because he never told me; and (3) because I don’t like surprises.  I thought that by giving either treating him to his favorite restaurant or cooking his favorite meal or giving him something that he had “dropped a hint” about wanting was what he wanted. 

To me that is fake love.  Keeping up with every single thing you ever give the person you are allegedly in love with isn’t love either.  Love gives from the heart what it can give.  If I can’t afford to give you a $400 softball bat then I’m not going to give you the bat and I clearly can’t give you the money, yet that is what he expected.  He brought up something else I found interesting because I actually had to take several days to think about it before I could even respond to his accusation and that was not because I was “old” it was because I didn’t think about things like that.  He accused me of never having bought him anything.  I had to go back damn, 17 yrs. before I could come up with ALL the stuff I’d bought him.  I gave myself a damn headache with that one.  Only giving the person something because they gave you something first, isn’t love either. 

Real love, on the other hand is completely opposite of the fake.  Real love is doing things for one another from the heart and not from the wallet.  It’s not keeping tabs on things given and it’s definitely not about being selfish.  It’s about acceptance of a person, flaws and all, and being able to love the person in spite of these flaws.  It’s not to say that you are settling with someone who has a boatload of flaws because you shouldn’t, but no one is perfect so you shouldn’t expect perfection from another.  Love has many faces but the face it wears depends on what you want.  Their actions will match their words in every way. 

Knowing who you are and what you want will help you recognize the difference between real and fake.

Do you know who you are so you can tell the difference?

 

Double E

 

Posted February 8, 2012 by doublee42 in Relationships

Should you tell your friend their significant other is cheating?   15 comments

I’ve seen people ask this question all over the place and from my understanding even Wendy Williams has had this discussion on her show.  I don’t have television so I’m relying on someone else’s account of what went on during Wendy Williams’ show.  According to my “source” she said to leave an “anonymous” note on their car but that she would find a way to tell the person that they are being played for a fool. 

The first question you have got to ask yourself, “is it really my business to tell this information, friend or not?”  Although that doesn’t seem as though it’s a concern of anyone who is willing to “run tell that”, it should be a very real concern.  In my humble opinion, it isn’t your business, unless you are the one sleeping with the person.  If you are it becomes the only reason you would be telling is because they did something to hurt you or piss you off and you figured why not ruin their life in the process of them having ruined your own.  Pure vengeance would be the only reason that you would do this if you were the one s/he was cheating with. 

Say you’ve ascertained that it actually is somehow your business, now what?  How do you fix your lips to break the bad news to your friend that the person they love is cheating on them?  Not as easy as it sounds is it?  If you are bold enough to think it’s your business, duty and right to tell then you should be prepared for your friend’s reaction to the news.  More often than not, it’s met with anger, directed at you.    

Confused?  You shouldn’t be, because people don’t always react the way you think they would or that you think they should.  Some people get fighting mad at the person telling them this bit of information and the first thing they do is want to curse out or “go off on” the one that told them the news.  While this is usually some type of defense mechanism that automatically engages, I think that it happens that way because they already knew and just didn’t want to “know”.  Denial is a deep subject but it isn’t a river in Egypt folks.  I suspect this is why Ms. Williams suggested the anonymous note on the friend’s car.  Seems safer that way doesn’t it?  It should be noted that if you opt to write that note, either type it or get someone else to write it for you.  Your friend will recognize your handwriting. 

I’m no psychiatrist but I think that the reason that people have a tendency to react badly to the news that their significant other is cheating is because of the hurt or it could even be the fear of being alone.  Like some abuse victims that run to relatives when they get beat only to end up defending the abuser, it’s all psychological.  This is why police officers take down the abuser regardless of what the victim says because they have been trained to recognize that it is fear that keeps them from pressing charges against their abuser. 

Then again, you do have some people that take the news rather well about their significant other cheating on them.  They don’t have any type of reaction at all and just say “thank you”, nod their head and say nothing else.  This was sort of my reaction to when it happened to me.  I was calm and I didn’t rant or rave about it.  As a matter-of-fact the first time someone told me my DEH was cheating on me (the last time) I simple told them that I didn’t do the “he said/she said” thing and that although I didn’t doubt the person telling me, I just had nothing I could work with to do anything about it, so I forgot about it but I waited.  This wait took me about two years because that was the day I got the phone call that I found out the truth.  You know the one I talked about in yesterday’s blog here.

Everyone isn’t going to react with the quiet, cool, calmness that I did.  I’m sure it was something to fear because from my understanding, my children fear me the most when I’m “too calm” about something that a normal person would have blown their gasket about.  That’s when they typically high tail it out of dodge because they don’t want to see the wrath that comes from that type of calmness, especially in me (but I’m not a violent person.  You can stop laughing now.  No seriously, stop laughing).  Even my son said I sounded funny when he talked to me that night.  I have to wonder what went through my DEH’s head when he spoke to me because he sounded calm as hell too.  When I spoke to him I simply asked “why didn’t you tell me when I asked you all those times?”  His response was he didn’t want to happen what was going to happen.  For him, it was about money.  That’s not what it was about for me, it was about my kids.  However, that is another story in and of its self. 

My point is this, if you think that telling your friend that their significant other is cheating on them is somehow your business or it’s going to win you brownie points, forget it.  More often than not, the anger will be directed towards you and you alone. 

So I say, mind your own business.  It’s safer that way.

 

Double E

 

 

Posted February 3, 2012 by doublee42 in Relationships, Things I see

The Representative: What you need to know to “bust” them   8 comments

Webster’s defines a representative as “a person chosen or appointed to act or speak for another or others in particular.  The Urban Dictionary defines a representative as “the type of person you become to impress the opposite sex.”  We are all familiar with the Urban Dictionary’s definition of a representative because at some point we have all had one show up on a date or at a party to try and impress someone that we think we might be into.  Herein lies the problem, how do you know the person you are meeting isn’t their representative?  Hmm, something to ponder isn’t it?  Rep on Rep who will win? 

 I see people saying all the time to “keep it 100” or “real talk”, but are they really being real?  I can’t say with 100% assurity because people can be who they choose to be while sitting behind a computer screen.  The world-wide-web has allowed people to slip into personas and be the person they always may have wished they were and then some.  Spinning a complex web of lies to make people believe that is who they really are.  I have actually experienced this on the internet, especially on Facebook, several times and have been completely astounded at how people do something like that and then when you pop their bubble they run tail only to pop up again and again like a bad rash only changing their “name” but not their game (I’m sure some of you reading this are nodding your head in agreement because you know of whom I speak).  People can also be who they choose to be sitting right in front of your face.  I know some people who lie so often they not only believe their own garbage they truly expect you to believe it as well even though you’re sitting there looking at their lips move, you’re completely astounded at how easily they lie about themselves and everything else.

 I’ve heard song lyrics that claim they didn’t realize that the person was crazy when they first met them, heck I’ve heard real people say “s/he is crazy as hell and I had no idea”. 

Nothing left to say –Mint Condition: Girl you gave me a lot of attention, somehow the feeling turned into crazy possessive.  It was always there, but I didn’t look deeper.  If I had I would’ve seen the limits.

Well, I say this, crazy can’t hold out but so long.  The longer you are with a person the more the real them starts to come through so you have to pay attention in the beginning.  Paying attention to a person and what they say and how they act is the best way to go when encountering someone new.  I will admit I have a lot of “mouth” around friends and people who know me but I will clam up tighter than Ft. Knox on lockdown when I encounter someone new.  I’m not being fake I’m listening and hanging on your every word.  While I love to talk, I’m also quiet in certain situations because sometimes being quiet and listening (and watching) is the best way to gather information on a person or a bunch of people.  I think I may even frighten some people with my ability to do that on a regular basis and then when encountering the person again I am able to recall information about them that they weren’t even aware that they had let slip. 

My college professor, who still calls me Junior, will tell you that I will go into a crowded room, head straight to the back in the corner (best place to watch the goings on and listen) and sit down if I don’t know a single soul in the place.  I am always aware of my surroundings and my guard is always up.  Once I have done my quiet observation, I have scoped out every person in the vicinity and already picked out who I will approach to strike up a conversation with and who I will avoid.  This is why meeting someone in a well lit, quiet place is ideal because you can see and hear them. 

The one thing I’ve learned is that the only way to combat representatives is to have yourself together so you can listen and watch the person you are out with.  If you have some type of underlying issue that prevents you from really hearing what the person sitting in front of you has to say then you aren’t going to hear or see the “crazy”.  It’s like breaking the knob off of your personal BS meter (we all have one of these) in the “off” position and it only filters in all the crap you want to hear and nothing that you need to hear and the stuff you should be paying attention to.  I should know my knob was broken off when I met my DEH.  Everything he showed me before we got married is everything that I now know I should have been paying attention to before we got married and I wouldn’t have gone through all the stuff I did with him.  He was my lesson.  In other words, that’s what I get for not having myself together and listening and paying attention to all that he showed me before our nuptials.  I know had I been paying attention I would have run far, far away.  Or as I like to tell my mom “run bitch, run”.  This is why I can’t be but so mad at him because he actually showed me who he was from the very beginning.  I just wasn’t paying attention.  My bad.  His fault. 

Now that I got me together and am firm in what it is that I want and don’t want I’m good.  This is why so many guys who are “brave” enough to approach get turned down.  All I do is let them talk.  They think I’m being quiet, which I am to a certain extent, but when I tell them I am hanging on their every word, I am.  I am listening to everything they say because if it sounds like bullshit, it usually is bullshit.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t go in thinking that everyone is full of it because everyone is different.  I let you do the talking and I’ll do all the listening.  Ask me a question, you’ll get an answer.  Want to know the basics, I can give you that too, but what I really want to know is all about you.  I take things at face value because at some point, it’s going to be revisited by you anyway so I’m saving what you say initially to “compare” notes on what you’ve given me. 

Then I watch.

If your actions don’t match your words then you’re full of it.  There should be no reason why what you say to me isn’t matching with what you are doing.  Words are just words but actions speak volumes.  Tell me you love me?  That’s great.  Show me.  Say you want to spend time with me?  Sure!  Show me.  Say you will make the time for me?  Awesome!  Show me.  For everything you say you’re going to do, pretend I’m from Missouri and show me. Simple enough right?  You would think so but it isn’t because the representative is telling you everything they think you want to hear but aren’t willing to show you that it’s true.  I laugh and shake my head at this one guy who keeps on trying but what he says and what he does are so far from each other that the polar ice caps are closer to one another than what he says and what he does.  He has “loser” written all over him and no matter what I say to him, and I’m always brutally honest, he just doesn’t get that his game doesn’t work on me.  The messed up thing is that when I tell him, he agrees with what I’m saying, disappears for a few days (sometimes a week) then pops up like whack-a-mole to try again.  It’s like he has somehow forgotten what I said to him and maybe even hoping that I have forgotten too.  Not a chance.  Did he just disappear to regroup and try a different angle?  Get some notes from friends?  What?  It really doesn’t matter because he can’t change who he is and since I’ve busted his representative, he keeps looking for new ones to approach me with and I’ll keep busting them too. 

So while everyone is walking around saying they are keeping it 100 are they really keeping it 100 because I’ve seen and heard it all and I’m no longer surprised by the things I’m hearing.  I simply laugh and keep on moving.  No sense in me wasting my time listening to the crap being spewed my way. 

I am always 100 and I don’t do any type of talking other than real talk because it makes it easier to go back and say “I told you this about me in the first place.  Oh you thought I was kidding?  Your bad.”

 

Double E

Posted February 1, 2012 by doublee42 in Relationships, Things I see

What about the kids: Your Relationship Success/Failure affects them too. Part II of II   2 comments

Yesterday, I spoke on how being bitter and angry at the parent of your children and using them as pawns against the other parent affects them.  While I didn’t go into depth like I should have, I can always revisit this topic because there is a lot that needs to be said on this very sensitive subject. Now for my “disclaimer” of sorts;  I just want to let everyone know that I’m about to make a lot of people feel some type of way (mad) by what I’m about to say but I must warn you, if you do get mad there is a reason because you see yourself in what I am saying.  So instead of being mad about it, do something about it because it’s not about you it’s about your children and the example you are setting for them in the long run.

If you are divorced, separated, or single, stop introducing your kids to every man or woman you date and for Pete’s sake, don’t bring your one night stand, friend with benefits (FWB), jump off or side-piece to your house and expose them to your kids.  A revolving door of “uncles” and “aunts” confuses your children, causes attachment issues and doesn’t show them what a real, healthy relationship is because you aren’t in one. 

I know I’m not the only one that has touched upon this topic before because Steve Harvey talks about it in his book “How to Think Like a Man and Act Like A Lady”, Michael Baisden has discussed this topic on his syndicated radio show several times so it’s not like you’ve not heard it before.  I’m pretty sure anyone with a set of morals has told you this on several occasions or at the very least has given you the “look” and just shook their head in complete disbelieve that you’ve moved in yet another  person for the kids to call “auntie” or “uncle”. 

Call me over protective of my kids but I call it having a respect for my little folks (who aren’t so little anymore but still).  Most people I know don’t even know where I live so there is no way in the world I’m going to let some guy I just met come to my house and meet my kids if I’m not going to be serious with them and even if I am, it’s going to take a long time before he even gets to that stage of knowing where I live let alone meeting my children.  Even if they are just friends (not with benefits) they don’t know my kids and they won’t see my kids unless they happen to see me on the street and I’ll introduce them by name.  My kids are nosy enough to ask me after the person leaves, how I know them but it’s still not their business how I know them or where I know them from.  If I want to bring someone to my home, I make sure my kids are not at home and will not be at home any time soon.  In other words, they are spending the night with their father or with a friend.  However, seeing as how my children act as though they are nearly terrified to leave me alone, I don’t have very many visitors of the male persuasion. 

Having said that, why do people act as though children are dumb and can’t see or hear?  When you least expect it, know that you are being watched and heard, by your kids.  They see and hear everything whether you want them to or not.  They see mom with a different guy darn near weekly or they see a different guy every day.  Dad is introducing them to a different woman all the time and calling her “friend” or whatever it is that they call them these days.  Too many times I have seen parents not think that their kids aren’t listening or watching them but then want to be upset when they repeat the same behavior that they do “thinking they are grown”.  Children aren’t just smart when it’s convenient for you, they are fully aware of what is going on even if they don’t understand it.    

Children who grow up with parents who do this tend to have attachment issues that turn into commitment issues because when mom or dad brings home another person and they are around for a little amount of time, children tend to get attached and when that person is gone they have to start all over again with someone new.  This tends to make children skiddish about becoming attached to the next person that comes around and it can carry over into their adult life.  A healthy, long term relationship is what kids need to be exposed to not anything fly by night. 

Another way it could affect the kids is that if you don’t know the person (and not their representative*) you don’t know who you are bringing into your home.  Now I’m about to go worst case scenario on you with this one because it is warranted and you should be afraid.   What if the man or woman you bring into your home likes young girls or young boys and you don’t know it?  What happens when you trust this person alone with your kids?  What about the person who has no experience with infants or small children and doesn’t have the patience to deal with them and you just “run to the store” to grab something and you come back and your kid is dead because they couldn’t take the crying? 

Did I scare you?  If I did, that’s good because you need to be afraid.  You don’t know who you are bringing into your house.  These are the things I think about before I expose my children to anyone I may come across.   They are my number one priority as your children should be yours, if not you are selfish and don’t deserve them.

How do you expect them to know what a healthy relationship looks like when you can’t get yourself together long enough to be in one?  I call this “perpetuating the cycle” and it needs to stop.  It’s bad enough the African-American community is falling apart from the inside out, but when bad behavior is continued on through generation after generation, someone has to stop the cycle.  Why not let that someone be you?

You are probably wondering when is a good time to introduce the kids to the “new guy/girl?”  Well that depends on how well you know the person, your level of commitment to one another and whether your kids are ready.  Gradually introducing that new someone into your kids’ lives once you get to that stage is one way to do it; this does not including coming home one day and announcing to your kids “This is Bob, he and I got married and he’s moving in with us!  Aren’t you excited?”  As I was typing that I can see the looks on my kids’ faces as they give this guy the once over, while one is madly texting or calling the older one to come to the house STAT, and then launch into the Spanish Inquisition complete with a vat of boiling oil and a stake to tie him to if he fails any of the questions.  Then again, my kids are older.  However, this is exactly what their father did to them.  I guess he figured that he introduced them to her once and that was good enough.  I don’t know, I didn’t ask, I gave instructions, to him about our kids; but again, our kids are older and are fully capable of speaking for themselves and if they don’t like something, you will know it especially from the older and the middle one; those but the “less” in ruthless. 

By gradually I mean let them come to the house for dinner and a movie and see how the kids interact with the person or go out on a family gathering and invite your friend along and watch.  Children are excellent judges of character, much like animals.  True story told by a friend of mine, she was dating this guy and he had come to pick her up from her apartment.  She had a Rottweiler and when she opened the door to him, the dog begin to growl and wouldn’t stop growling the entire time he was there.  When she saw this she told him that he had to leave and that she couldn’t date him any longer.  Why? Her dog didn’t like him and if her dog doesn’t like you then there is something about you that isn’t right because dogs sense things that we can’t.  Children are the same way.  They know things even if we adults can’t see it they do.  I don’t expose men to my children for not just my children’s protection but for theirs.  It only takes a single conversation for them to determine whether they like you or not. 

I don’t believe in exposing my children to unnecessary people and anyone who has children should feel the same way.  If you don’t then maybe you need to rethink things because it’s always about the kids in my world.

 

Double E

*More on representatives in my next blog.

Posted January 31, 2012 by doublee42 in Relationships, Things I see