Archive for the ‘Things I see’ Category

Apathy, Racism and Protest Can’t Co-exist: Part I   2 comments

As so many of you are aware, an innocent 17 year old boy was shot dead in Sanford, FL for looking “suspicious.”  He was wearing a hoodie, carrying a can of Arizona Iced Tea and a bag of Skittles.  His only “crime” was that he was black and the person that shot him felt he was in the “wrong” neighborhood.  This crime was subsequently covered up by the Sheriff’s Department and the killer of this young man was free to walk the streets that very night. 

As a show of solidarity and support, people of all colors have come together to protest this senseless crime and cover-up.  By getting the story out there, posting pictures of themselves in hoodies (because you have to admit people, this is not just the attire of black males, whites, Latinos and other races wear them too), blogging about it and making sure that it isn’t just kept hush-hush on radio and television and that this story, that affects all of us, doesn’t get buried and forgotten.

This young man’s name is Trayvon Martin.  His family misses him.  His friends miss him. 

Trayvon is our son, our brothers, our nephews, and our grandsons. 

I posted the picture below on my Facebook page last night and sparked a conversation with someone on my friends list that got beyond heated.  It brought me to tears and Double E doesn’t like to cry. 

 

His thoughts were that by over saturating newsfeeds, television, blogs, etc. with images of this young man, his story, protests and yes, pictures like the one above, would eventually make people immune to the issue. 

Is this what you think? 

If Dr. Martin Luther King, Malcom X, Harriet Elizabeth Beecher Stowe, Sojouner Truth, Harriet Tubman, Frederick Douglas, W. E. B. Dubois and the countless others had given up talking about ending slavery and equality do you think I would be able to sit here and write this blog, go to the same malls, stores, beaches, and use the same public restrooms as everyone else? 

If Susan B. Anthony and the millions of other women that participated in the Suffrage Movement had just “mentioned” their wants and needs “in passing” would I and other women even have the right to vote?  Do you think that the young lady “Roe” would have given me the right to choose what I do with my body if she had merely “mentioned, in passing” that it was her body and no one elses to tell what to do with it or would I and my daughters and your daughters have had to continue to go into back alleys and get rid of children that we could not take care of?

Apathy, silence and mentioning Trayvon Martin in passing did not bring the United States Justice Department headed by Eric Holder, to Sanford, FL.  Loud, continuous protests did.  Being apathetic and letting things die down now only shows that when we stand up for something that we are only “fly by the moment” group of people.  We are not.  Now is not the time to grow silent in this, now is the time to grow louder in our demands and not let the momentum stop until justice has been fully served. 

Trayvon’s memory will not go away into the night slowly nor will the protests die until justice is served.  If you don’t like it, go hide under your rock, plug your ears and cover your eyes while the REST of us stand up and shout for him and everyone else like him that has died at the hands of a racist piece of garbage because it affects not just blacks but every single one of us REGARDLESS of what color your skin.

Double E

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What People Need to Know about the Courts when it comes to Child Support and Custody: Especially my men!!!   14 comments

****DISCLAIMER****

I am NOT an attorney. I just work for them. Any information given in this blog can be found on the internet.  The information contained in this blog is general in nature and may not necessarily be the law in your state.  The information contained herein should not nor should it ever take the place of that of attorney licensed to practice law in your state.  I encourage you to seek the advice of an attorney if you have further questions or concerns.

Now that the formalities are out the way, let’s get down to the real business.  Yesterday I talked about how a woman spends child support is not the business of the father unless the child isn’t being taken care of.  This apparently is a really sore spot for a lot of the gentlemen and even some of the ladies.  There are some trifling ass people in this world on both sides of this and since the most complaints came from the gentlemen about how the court system is designed to “empower the woman” I decided that since I work in the legal field (again not an attorney) that I would give you all some information that you may or may not know.

Let me start by saying that the court system is not your enemy if you know how to work it.  The key is knowledge.  Don’t listen to these “armchair attorneys” (men/women who have been through “it” before, etc.) and for the love of Pete, don’t listen to anyone at the courts either because they aren’t equipped to give you sound legal advice; and by law they aren’t supposed to (this is meant for the clerks in the court, secretaries, etc.).  Hell from what I’ve seen a lot of court appointed attorneys don’t give advice worth a shit either because their case load is too heavy and they just want you to plead out or take the “easy” route instead.  Don’t do it guys.  This is how you end up being railroaded into serving time for shit you didn’t do, serving more time than you should for shit you did do and being ran the hell over by a Mack truck, a train, a boat and a car when it comes to having to pay child support to some trifling girl you slept with and didn’t protect yourself.

Keeping in mind that a lot of people feel that the courts were designed to give women all the power and that isn’t necessarily true.  Let’s put it like this, men designed the court system and in our society, in all societies, it is believed that women should take care of the children this is why more often than not, they get custody of the kids and it takes damn near an act of congress in order for her to lose it.  Being a crack head whore isn’t enough either these days.  While is hard for a man to get custody of his children it isn’t impossible.  He just needs to know what to do.

If you don’t do anything else, if you have any reason to believe that the child in question is not yours then the moment she takes you to court for child support, request a paternity test.  In this day and age, even if you firmly believe that the child is yours, ask for it anyway.  She might get pissed the hell off but it will definitely save you from having to pay child support on a child that isn’t yours.  Also, for the record, don’t ever waive your right to have a paternity test.  If it is determined that the child isn’t yours then you need not go any further.  If, on the other hand, it is determined that the child is yours the next thing I’m going to tell you is going to be crucial.

Some of you seem to think that you can’t get joint custody of your child if you aren’t married.  That is so false it’s ridiculous.  You have just as much right to your child as she does.  Too many times men just give over full custody to these women then whine about how much child support they have to pay and they don’t ever get to see their child.  Well guess what?  You may have visitation if she went through the court system but if you aren’t going to press the issue then why bother with the visitation?  Seeking joint custody along with the visitation gives you the power to tell her to kiss your ass when she tries to hold the children hostage because you aren’t paying child support.  That is a definite no-go.  That piece of paper signed by a judge gives you just as much rights to see your children whether you are paying or not.  Joint custody with one parent having physical custody is in your best interest if you want to be a part of your child’s life (and you should want to be).  THIS should be your number one priority when you get slapped with a child support suit.

Now let’s talk about how child support is calculated.  I’m going use Virginia since this is where I live.  Some states do it differently but for the most part it’s pretty much done the same way across the board.  Your individual state should have a website that will help you calculate how much you should be paying.  Here in Virginia a formula is used to calculate how much the custodial parent gets (the one that has physical custody of the child).  This is based on your verifiable income and her verifiable income.  If she has no income but has the potential get be gainfully employed, Virginia will take that into consideration as well.  So if she wants to work that minimum wage job that’s her business but it will be counted as income for her and if she is on all kinds of public assistance, guess what?  You’ll be paying the state back and she won’t see a dime of your money (so you know exactly where it’s going to go).  The online form for Virginia can be found on Virginia Department of Social Services (DSS) website at Virginia Department of Social Services .

Coincidentally, I found out that something very interesting for those who want to quit their jobs in order to get their child support reduced (and maybe even increased) the following:

Any career change, any investment, is by nature a voluntary act. We do not perceive the law defining obligations of child support to be intended to frustrate ambition or enterprise. Therefore, we construe the term “voluntary act” to describe a willful act done for the purpose of frustrating the feasibility or enforceability of the support obligation. Thus, an applicant who shows a reduced ability to satisfy his obligation, which is not due to his wrongdoing, his neglect of his affairs, or his intentional diminution of his financial capacity other than in connection with a bona fide and reasonable business undertaking, is entitled to have that reduction considered along with the other usual factors, including his general earning capability, in determining his child support obligation.*

*Source:  Family Law Blog

How I found this information out was quite by accident because my DEH tried to say because he lost a certain portion of his income (a bonus that was given to him monthly because of his particular job) that the court should take into account that he would no longer be receiving it.  My attorney dropped this bit of knowledge on him the judge basically told him too bad so sad.  He didn’t get the amount reduced.  So don’t think that if you quit your job, voluntarily get a lower paying job, etc. that Virginia courts are going to take pity on you because they won’t they just don’t want to have to pay to raise your child so they are going to make you keep your “good paying job” and as a matter of principle you should want to anyway this is, after all, your child’s wellbeing we are talking about.

Now I know I’ve not shared a whole lot of information but I’ve given you all just enough to be dangerous.  Google is your friend and you can find out this stuff on your own if you just look for it.  Child support issues tend to be a highly emotionally charged time for everyone.  People are bitter, angry and hurt about the whole situation and no one is thinking with a clear head when they get hit with the papers.  Clearing your head and thinking of the big picture will help you in the end.  Just keep your wits about you.

Now I’m about to give you some “motherly” advice as only Double E knows how, straight from the hip and not pulling any punches:

  1.  If you aren’t ready to have children then don’t.  It’s just that simple.  Protect yourself at all costs.  Use condoms every single time you have sex and buy your own and use your own condoms and dispose of them yourself.  This doesn’t mean throw them away in HER bathroom, take that shit and wrap it up in a paper towel and take it with you and dispose of.  Extreme and doing too much you say?  HA!  Check out this article and then get back to me on how “extreme and doing too much” it is. (Trifling woman).  It’s not even a joke folks. Trifling ass women do this shit daily!
  2. Be mindful of who you are sleeping with.  This goes for both men and women.  If you know this man has several kids by several different women and you know he isn’t taking care of them then what in the world makes you think that he is going to take care of you and yours?  You don’t have the magic poo-nanny that will make him do better and your name isn’t Ms. Sunshine.  The same thing for you gentlemen.  If she has what they called “the disease” back in my day (all kinds of kids with all kinds of men, more than likely doesn’t even know who their fathers are and keeps on having them just to get a check) then your “jimmy” isn’t going to change that and what you need to do is take my advice from #1 or just avoid her ass all together (i.e., run like hell in the opposite direction and FAST).
  3. If you do have children, don’t keep having them and not taking care of them.  That child or those children did not ask to be here and they are your responsibility not the states responsibility.  If you know damn well you aren’t taking care of yourself worth a shit then bringing another person into this world that you won’t take care of isn’t helping them or you.  Get your shit together before you bring someone else into it and ruin their life.

Double E

Posted February 10, 2012 by doublee42 in Things I see

Child Support: What she does with the money is not your concern or is it?   13 comments

Ok gentlemen, this one is for those of you who pay child support regularly and feel that you should know exactly how the custodial parent spends the money or believe that the money should go directly to the child without the custodial parent touching it at all, as if it is some sort of trust fund for when they reach a certain age or something.  I have male friends who gripe about this all the time and I’ve seen men gripe about this online when this very subject is broached.  As the custodial parent of two minor children still in high school, I’m here to tell you that unless you actually have physical custody of the child(ren) then what she does with the money is none of your business unless the kids are walking around looking raggedy and unkempt, they aren’t being fed and their living conditions are horrendous (in other words, they are homeless); then and only then should you have a serious problem with how the money is spent. 

Using myself as an example, as I only know how, I get child support from my DEH for our two kids.  In the beginning he balked at even having to pay because he also had to pay me (spousal support) and that was the rub.  His argument was that I would only use the money to pay “my bills.”  Ok, let me just toss this out there for the record, I love my children dearly and wouldn’t trade either one of them for the world and killing someone about them goes without saying (even though I just said I would), but a child is a bill and the older they get the more expensive they become.  So if you aren’t a witness to this on a daily basis then you have no clue exactly how much they cost.  I can say he had a taste of it when they were babies but he has no clue exactly how much they cost now that they are older.  Even my daughter said she felt bad because she felt like she had come home every day for a solid week asking for money (this is when I first lost my job) and it’s because she did. 

Let me explain how the money is spent:  That car I drive to work every day?  That car is also a taxi to get the kids to the doctor, dentist, to the school when necessary and to every other extra-curricular activity that they partake in and back home.  So if it breaks down and I use the child support money to get it fixed, guess what?  That was for the benefit of the children and not just me because I drive it.  That roof over their head in the form of a house or an apartment, yes that one; rent/mortgage is due on that every month along with insurance (renters) and if something breaks down in the house, yes, it must be fixed.  If I use the money to get it fixed, it’s for the benefit of the children.  That credit card I used because I didn’t have any cash at the time to get the $500 plus in school supplies that they needed at the beginning of school and the $500 I spent on school clothes and shoes per kid, if I use the money to pay that credit card off, it was for the benefit of the children.  Those shoes they needed in the middle of the year because the ones you bought at the beginning of the year are all but gone, yes that is for the benefit of the child.  Those groceries that they eat daily  (and if you have a son like mine he can put away a lot of food in one single sitting and still claim to be hungry) those don’t just fall out of the sky into the cabinets and the fridge and freezer; yes, that’s what the money goes towards. Because you all don’t see how the money is spent or how it benefits the child you automatically assume she is doing something other than what she is supposed to be doing with the money. 

Don’t get me wrong, there are some trifling ass women out there who don’t use the money for its intended purpose and their kids are walking around looking homeless.  Those are the ones that even I have issue with as a parent.  She’s not working but she gets her hair and nails done every week, she goes shopping for her every day; yes, those are the ones that give the ones like me a bad name.  I’m not that woman.  I actually detest shopping and mall is a four-letter curse word to me.  But just like you gentlemen don’t like being lumped in with all the other less than desirable men, don’t lump all of us ladies who are doing the right thing with the child support in with the ones who aren’t doing the right thing. 

Having said all of this, if you feel that she isn’t using the child support in the way that is beneficial to the children (and you can’t just go in half cocked because you’re mad) you have to have proof of it.  If every single time you get your kids and they look like they are homeless and unkempt and they claim to not have eaten or there’s no food in the house, do some investigating first.  I say investigate because my kids claim there is no food in the house and that’s a lie, there’s plenty they just don’t want to cook it because I don’t buy processed food bits for them to throw in the microwave. 

If you feel that you have sufficient proof of things then take her back to court for custody of the child(ren) and have your ducks in a row.  Make her prove that she is doing what she is supposed to do with the money.  If used properly, the courts are your friends, but you can’t just sit around and complain about it and do nothing about it because it’s your children(ren) who suffer the most when things aren’t being done right by them and you can’t make her life hell by not paying the support because you “don’t like what she does with the money.”  Again, it’s not your business if your kids are taken care of properly.

Now on the flip side, just because she isn’t buying the latest fashion for your kids or the most expensive shoes (those $200+ Jordan’s are not necessary) then don’t bother.   This isn’t a fashion show and necessity is the name of the game.  They don’t need an X-box, Play Station, Jordan’s, or any other name brands you can think of because as my grandmother used to say “if you want someone’s name plastered across your ass, I can sew your name on your pants and you can have at it.”  It should be noted that my actual first name is or was at one point famous in the fashion industry and I believe that is why my grandmother said that.  *ha ha ha*

But here’s the best advice of all, if you don’t want to take care of your kids then stop getting women pregnant.  Spreading your seed and not taking care of your seed isn’t cute and only perpetuates the cycle of single mothers struggling to raise children on their own with or without your help.  While she bears responsibility in this too, you all should take extra steps to make sure you are covered because like I said, there are some trifling women out here who will take advantage of a man with money so it’s to protect you if nothing else.

 

Double E

 

The other 364 Days of the year….   2 comments

As we all know Valentine’s Day is right around the corner.  Go into any store and you will see a sea of red and pink balloons, flowers, stuff animals and a field of roses.  They started putting these things out in some stores before Christmas was even over. Leading a lot of us to say “um, can we get through one holiday first before you start shoving the next one down our throats please and thank you?!”  Or was that just me? The single day out of the year men spend hundreds, sometimes thousands of dollars to show they love their girlfriends/wives by buying the overpriced gifts, balloons, teddy bears that say “I love you” and chocolate and women either sit around and wait for these things or pout because they broke up with their boyfriend right before or don’t have anyone at all and whine about it until it’s over.  Some ladies have even resorted to buying their own roses and having them sent to their office proclaiming “I love me some me!”  I would rather go buy myself some shoes to show how much I love me some me. 

The beginning of this “day of love” better known as Valentine’s Day or Saint Valentine’s Day is unclear.  According to the website www.history.com, it may have had something to do with the celebration of the death and/or burial of Saint Valentine that occurred in 270 A.D. and that the Catholic Church may have decided to place the celebration in the middle of February in an effort to “Christianize” the pagan celebration. (Sidebar:  anyone ever notice that a lot of Christian holidays used to be pagan holidays?  This is something to think about here folks, because there is more to Christianity than what you are being taught in Sunday school.  Sidebar:  over).  You can read more about this holiday at http://www.history.com/topics/valentines-day

I have no clue when this entire thing became so commercialized though.  This part, I believe, may have been started by Hallmark® as a way to sale greeting cards and it literally blew up from there because every other industry wanted a piece of the pie.  Hersey’s chocolate, the toy industry, florists and of course the greeting card companies have all capitalized on this day of “love”.  Walk into any store and you will see row upon row of greeting cards all professing some kind of undying love for “her” for “him” for “them” for the kids, the dog, the cat and your pet gerbil; there are “heart” shaped boxes of pink and red colored candies, bags of chocolate all shaped in the form of a “heart”, shelf after shelf of stuffed bears, dragons, gorillas (?), dogs and any other animal you can think of all holding hearts that say “I luv (love, wub, lub) you (u)”, some even sing and “dance”.  Quite frankly it’s enough to make you want to either hurl or light a match and watch it all go up in flames, but I’m not mad though.  Make that money!

Here’s my gripe though; why would you want someone to only show you they love you on this one day of the year?  Now before anyone goes all south and sideways on me thinking that I’m bitter because I’m single and I’m not getting anything, don’t bother.  I haven’t gotten anything for Valentine’s Day in years (even before my marriage was over) and if I did, it was surely a last minute “oh yeah I forgot, I’m married and I should get her something” type thing and giant cards from my kids don’t count; so this day hasn’t really meant anything to me for a while.  If I wanted something, I’d send myself a dozen roses, buy a box of candy and not bother with the dust gatherers called stuffed animals.  Don’t get me wrong, it’d be great if I did get something, but trust me, I’m not expecting anything and I’m not pressed about it either. 

I actually prefer that if I were with someone that they show me they love me every other day but this one.   Why?  That’s simple, I prefer you didn’t spend a small fortune on a dozen roses that are going to shrivel up and die after a week (has anyone noticed that the month before Valentine’s Day roses are $9.99 a dozen and then on February 1st they darn near triple in price????  Can you say “highway robbery”?), a card that will be displayed for a few days or a week after the fact only to be crammed in a drawer some place and forgotten or even placed in a scrap book to be forgotten; and a stuffed something that will no doubt gather dust while sitting in the corner of your room or even die a horrible “death” upon the break-up with the person who bestowed it upon you.

If you love me, show me that before this day and even after this day but don’t go out of your way to show me just this day that you love me.  Buy me a single rose every day.  Don’t buy me chocolate though.  Not into sweets like that and hug me every day and you be my teddy bear.  Those are the types of things that I prefer.  But the biggest gift of all that you could give me is your time.  I value that above all the other crap. 

So, as a “heads up” to anyone who claims to love me in that way, the best way for you to show me that you really do is to show up the day before Valentine’s or even the day after, unannounced, with a single rose in hand and tell me that you want to spend a few hours with me, cuddled up on the couch watching a movie and/or talking.  That’s how I know you really do love me.

 

Double E

Posted February 6, 2012 by doublee42 in Things I see

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Should you tell your friend their significant other is cheating?   15 comments

I’ve seen people ask this question all over the place and from my understanding even Wendy Williams has had this discussion on her show.  I don’t have television so I’m relying on someone else’s account of what went on during Wendy Williams’ show.  According to my “source” she said to leave an “anonymous” note on their car but that she would find a way to tell the person that they are being played for a fool. 

The first question you have got to ask yourself, “is it really my business to tell this information, friend or not?”  Although that doesn’t seem as though it’s a concern of anyone who is willing to “run tell that”, it should be a very real concern.  In my humble opinion, it isn’t your business, unless you are the one sleeping with the person.  If you are it becomes the only reason you would be telling is because they did something to hurt you or piss you off and you figured why not ruin their life in the process of them having ruined your own.  Pure vengeance would be the only reason that you would do this if you were the one s/he was cheating with. 

Say you’ve ascertained that it actually is somehow your business, now what?  How do you fix your lips to break the bad news to your friend that the person they love is cheating on them?  Not as easy as it sounds is it?  If you are bold enough to think it’s your business, duty and right to tell then you should be prepared for your friend’s reaction to the news.  More often than not, it’s met with anger, directed at you.    

Confused?  You shouldn’t be, because people don’t always react the way you think they would or that you think they should.  Some people get fighting mad at the person telling them this bit of information and the first thing they do is want to curse out or “go off on” the one that told them the news.  While this is usually some type of defense mechanism that automatically engages, I think that it happens that way because they already knew and just didn’t want to “know”.  Denial is a deep subject but it isn’t a river in Egypt folks.  I suspect this is why Ms. Williams suggested the anonymous note on the friend’s car.  Seems safer that way doesn’t it?  It should be noted that if you opt to write that note, either type it or get someone else to write it for you.  Your friend will recognize your handwriting. 

I’m no psychiatrist but I think that the reason that people have a tendency to react badly to the news that their significant other is cheating is because of the hurt or it could even be the fear of being alone.  Like some abuse victims that run to relatives when they get beat only to end up defending the abuser, it’s all psychological.  This is why police officers take down the abuser regardless of what the victim says because they have been trained to recognize that it is fear that keeps them from pressing charges against their abuser. 

Then again, you do have some people that take the news rather well about their significant other cheating on them.  They don’t have any type of reaction at all and just say “thank you”, nod their head and say nothing else.  This was sort of my reaction to when it happened to me.  I was calm and I didn’t rant or rave about it.  As a matter-of-fact the first time someone told me my DEH was cheating on me (the last time) I simple told them that I didn’t do the “he said/she said” thing and that although I didn’t doubt the person telling me, I just had nothing I could work with to do anything about it, so I forgot about it but I waited.  This wait took me about two years because that was the day I got the phone call that I found out the truth.  You know the one I talked about in yesterday’s blog here.

Everyone isn’t going to react with the quiet, cool, calmness that I did.  I’m sure it was something to fear because from my understanding, my children fear me the most when I’m “too calm” about something that a normal person would have blown their gasket about.  That’s when they typically high tail it out of dodge because they don’t want to see the wrath that comes from that type of calmness, especially in me (but I’m not a violent person.  You can stop laughing now.  No seriously, stop laughing).  Even my son said I sounded funny when he talked to me that night.  I have to wonder what went through my DEH’s head when he spoke to me because he sounded calm as hell too.  When I spoke to him I simply asked “why didn’t you tell me when I asked you all those times?”  His response was he didn’t want to happen what was going to happen.  For him, it was about money.  That’s not what it was about for me, it was about my kids.  However, that is another story in and of its self. 

My point is this, if you think that telling your friend that their significant other is cheating on them is somehow your business or it’s going to win you brownie points, forget it.  More often than not, the anger will be directed towards you and you alone. 

So I say, mind your own business.  It’s safer that way.

 

Double E

 

 

Posted February 3, 2012 by doublee42 in Relationships, Things I see

Do we take our own advice? Listen to that inner you.   5 comments

I was talking to a friend of mine on Facebook last night and she brought up a very interesting point (thank you Sandy!!), there are a lot of us out here who have the ability to give some of the best advice around, good and sound; however, do we take the advice that we give?  I found this question rather interesting and it got me to thinking about it.

I’m the type of person that doesn’t readily give advice to people because they don’t ask for it and I’m not one to share my opinion.  I know this may come as a shock to a lot of you because I am writing a blog full of it and no one is asking me for it, but in all actuality, these are just my thoughts that I’ve decided to share with you.  No one is making you read it (although I am asking you to) and no one is making you take the lessons I learned and apply them to your lives (that I leave up to you), but you when the smoke clears, it’s all really a matter of opinion.  As I said before, I give voice to the things that people are too afraid to say but we are all thinking. 

That being said, I’ve always noticed that I have the type of face that people seem to want to tell their life stories.  I’m a wonderful listener but I also couple that with keeping my opinions to myself unless I am specifically asked.  I do that because I don’t ever want someone to be able to say “well Double E said….”  This is also why I don’t gossip either.  Too many things can happen behind that.

As I sat and thought about what Sandy and I spoke about I came to realize and I think she would agree with me, that sometimes we are too close to situations that prevent us from seeing what is always glaringly obvious to someone who isn’t in the midst of it.  It’s like we get involved in a situation and there are two voices sounding off.  One is your heart and the other one is your head.  Like the “devil and angel” on your shoulders; one telling you what you want to hear and the other one telling you what you need to hear.  Which one do you listen to because you know they are surely at odds, especially when it comes to affairs of the heart? If you’re like me you sometimes wish those two would get their shit together and get on the same page, just once, but it never happens. 

Oddly enough, I had a similar conversation with my DEH back when I first opened up the lines of civil communication with him.  At first, we argued about the demise of our relationship until I finally told him that since he insisted that he was talking and I insisted that I was talking, let’s agree that we both were talking and neither of us were listening.  That seemed like a fair assessment to me because it has been known to happen to the best of us. Everyone was talking and no one listening. As the saying goes, we can all sing together but we can’t all talk at the same time. That seemed to appease him, which is quite rare for him because he still wanted to argue his point and I have had to figure out a way to shut that down because the time for arguing is over.

In our situation we were too close to it to listen to each other so it would stand to reason that if you are too close to a situation any advice that you may give to another you won’t be taking it yourself because in the end, you are going to do what you want anyway and no amount of advice you give to yourself is going to sound reasonable. 

Or will it? 

We are all intelligent creatures and we know right from wrong (well most of us anyway) and we also know when something or someone isn’t good for us.  At least, on the surface we hope we do and we also hope that we do take our own advice when situations arise that we may need it.  That little voice inside your head that tells you everything you need to hear (the angel voice) often gets drowned out by everything else (the devil voice) and we end up in situations where we know “in another life” we would have run away from. 

I can honestly say that the little voice that I had always listened to before I met DEH had always been on point but then I stopped listening to it.  That was the beginning of my lesson, because that’s when I met DEH.  I refused to listen to that “nagging” voice I heard and I laid it to rest only to be unhappy for a very long time.  It was that same voice that told me something wasn’t right, that kept me up at night and it was that same voice that, when it did finally let me go to sleep, it would invade my dreams and wake me up with tears streaming down my face. 

It was that same voice that when I received that phone call on February 15, 2009 at 7:58 p.m. (yes this is the exact date and time), took a deep breath and let out a silent scream that lasted a full sixty seconds.  As that voice echoed through my soul, I sat very still and I listened.  Every frustration, every doubt, every hurt, all the pain, all the tears, everything became very clear to me; and I continued to listen.   Once I heard everything that voice had been telling me all those years, I swore I would always listen to it no matter how painful it was because it has yet to lead me wrong. Two days later, that same voice gave me “permission” to cry one last time and I did.  I cried myself to sleep and for the first time in five years, I slept an entire night, I didn’t dream and I didn’t wake up crying.  I woke up and felt very peaceful. I was at peace and my soul was at peace.  It’s that same peace that allowed me to actually forgive DEH for everything.  It’s that same peace that kept me from saying all the mean and nasty things to him that he said to me and allowed everything I needed to say to him be communicated as I walked away from him yelling at my back with a sway in my hips and my head held high. 

I’m still listening to that voice.  It’s not screaming any more, thank goodness!  That voice made me stop dead in my tracks when I was seeing this guy who had no ambition, talked a good game and was only looking for someone to take care of him.  It’s that same voice that gave me back my confidence to know I am a beautiful woman and a beautiful person and that I do have a voice and that my voice is my gift.  That same voice has also made me walk away from a few situations where I know I was headed down a path that would end in my being hurt, so I got out before I got in too deeply.

So yes Sandy, I do take my own advice.  Sure, sometimes I look for “confirmation” from my friends but I already know what the real deal is and what I should be doing anyway and that’s what I’m going to do regardless.  I promised myself that I wouldn’t go through anything like what I did with DEH and I also promised myself that no matter what my “stupid” heart said, I was going to listen to that voice.  Anyone that knows me knows I don’t make promises that I don’t intend to keep. 

 

Double E

 

 

Posted February 2, 2012 by doublee42 in Things I see

The Representative: What you need to know to “bust” them   8 comments

Webster’s defines a representative as “a person chosen or appointed to act or speak for another or others in particular.  The Urban Dictionary defines a representative as “the type of person you become to impress the opposite sex.”  We are all familiar with the Urban Dictionary’s definition of a representative because at some point we have all had one show up on a date or at a party to try and impress someone that we think we might be into.  Herein lies the problem, how do you know the person you are meeting isn’t their representative?  Hmm, something to ponder isn’t it?  Rep on Rep who will win? 

 I see people saying all the time to “keep it 100” or “real talk”, but are they really being real?  I can’t say with 100% assurity because people can be who they choose to be while sitting behind a computer screen.  The world-wide-web has allowed people to slip into personas and be the person they always may have wished they were and then some.  Spinning a complex web of lies to make people believe that is who they really are.  I have actually experienced this on the internet, especially on Facebook, several times and have been completely astounded at how people do something like that and then when you pop their bubble they run tail only to pop up again and again like a bad rash only changing their “name” but not their game (I’m sure some of you reading this are nodding your head in agreement because you know of whom I speak).  People can also be who they choose to be sitting right in front of your face.  I know some people who lie so often they not only believe their own garbage they truly expect you to believe it as well even though you’re sitting there looking at their lips move, you’re completely astounded at how easily they lie about themselves and everything else.

 I’ve heard song lyrics that claim they didn’t realize that the person was crazy when they first met them, heck I’ve heard real people say “s/he is crazy as hell and I had no idea”. 

Nothing left to say –Mint Condition: Girl you gave me a lot of attention, somehow the feeling turned into crazy possessive.  It was always there, but I didn’t look deeper.  If I had I would’ve seen the limits.

Well, I say this, crazy can’t hold out but so long.  The longer you are with a person the more the real them starts to come through so you have to pay attention in the beginning.  Paying attention to a person and what they say and how they act is the best way to go when encountering someone new.  I will admit I have a lot of “mouth” around friends and people who know me but I will clam up tighter than Ft. Knox on lockdown when I encounter someone new.  I’m not being fake I’m listening and hanging on your every word.  While I love to talk, I’m also quiet in certain situations because sometimes being quiet and listening (and watching) is the best way to gather information on a person or a bunch of people.  I think I may even frighten some people with my ability to do that on a regular basis and then when encountering the person again I am able to recall information about them that they weren’t even aware that they had let slip. 

My college professor, who still calls me Junior, will tell you that I will go into a crowded room, head straight to the back in the corner (best place to watch the goings on and listen) and sit down if I don’t know a single soul in the place.  I am always aware of my surroundings and my guard is always up.  Once I have done my quiet observation, I have scoped out every person in the vicinity and already picked out who I will approach to strike up a conversation with and who I will avoid.  This is why meeting someone in a well lit, quiet place is ideal because you can see and hear them. 

The one thing I’ve learned is that the only way to combat representatives is to have yourself together so you can listen and watch the person you are out with.  If you have some type of underlying issue that prevents you from really hearing what the person sitting in front of you has to say then you aren’t going to hear or see the “crazy”.  It’s like breaking the knob off of your personal BS meter (we all have one of these) in the “off” position and it only filters in all the crap you want to hear and nothing that you need to hear and the stuff you should be paying attention to.  I should know my knob was broken off when I met my DEH.  Everything he showed me before we got married is everything that I now know I should have been paying attention to before we got married and I wouldn’t have gone through all the stuff I did with him.  He was my lesson.  In other words, that’s what I get for not having myself together and listening and paying attention to all that he showed me before our nuptials.  I know had I been paying attention I would have run far, far away.  Or as I like to tell my mom “run bitch, run”.  This is why I can’t be but so mad at him because he actually showed me who he was from the very beginning.  I just wasn’t paying attention.  My bad.  His fault. 

Now that I got me together and am firm in what it is that I want and don’t want I’m good.  This is why so many guys who are “brave” enough to approach get turned down.  All I do is let them talk.  They think I’m being quiet, which I am to a certain extent, but when I tell them I am hanging on their every word, I am.  I am listening to everything they say because if it sounds like bullshit, it usually is bullshit.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t go in thinking that everyone is full of it because everyone is different.  I let you do the talking and I’ll do all the listening.  Ask me a question, you’ll get an answer.  Want to know the basics, I can give you that too, but what I really want to know is all about you.  I take things at face value because at some point, it’s going to be revisited by you anyway so I’m saving what you say initially to “compare” notes on what you’ve given me. 

Then I watch.

If your actions don’t match your words then you’re full of it.  There should be no reason why what you say to me isn’t matching with what you are doing.  Words are just words but actions speak volumes.  Tell me you love me?  That’s great.  Show me.  Say you want to spend time with me?  Sure!  Show me.  Say you will make the time for me?  Awesome!  Show me.  For everything you say you’re going to do, pretend I’m from Missouri and show me. Simple enough right?  You would think so but it isn’t because the representative is telling you everything they think you want to hear but aren’t willing to show you that it’s true.  I laugh and shake my head at this one guy who keeps on trying but what he says and what he does are so far from each other that the polar ice caps are closer to one another than what he says and what he does.  He has “loser” written all over him and no matter what I say to him, and I’m always brutally honest, he just doesn’t get that his game doesn’t work on me.  The messed up thing is that when I tell him, he agrees with what I’m saying, disappears for a few days (sometimes a week) then pops up like whack-a-mole to try again.  It’s like he has somehow forgotten what I said to him and maybe even hoping that I have forgotten too.  Not a chance.  Did he just disappear to regroup and try a different angle?  Get some notes from friends?  What?  It really doesn’t matter because he can’t change who he is and since I’ve busted his representative, he keeps looking for new ones to approach me with and I’ll keep busting them too. 

So while everyone is walking around saying they are keeping it 100 are they really keeping it 100 because I’ve seen and heard it all and I’m no longer surprised by the things I’m hearing.  I simply laugh and keep on moving.  No sense in me wasting my time listening to the crap being spewed my way. 

I am always 100 and I don’t do any type of talking other than real talk because it makes it easier to go back and say “I told you this about me in the first place.  Oh you thought I was kidding?  Your bad.”

 

Double E

Posted February 1, 2012 by doublee42 in Relationships, Things I see