What People Need to Know about the Courts when it comes to Child Support and Custody: Especially my men!!!   Leave a comment

What People Need to Know about the Courts when it comes to Child Support and Custody: Especially my men!!!.

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Posted March 11, 2013 by doublee42 in Uncategorized

Apathy, Racism and Protest Can’t Co-exist: Part II   6 comments

Racism knows no color but its own. 

Since my discussion with the person on my friends list fueled a lot more than just his lack of fight but also about race, let me share my thoughts on racism, racial profiling and being a black woman in America. 

First let me start by saying, I am not a racist because I love everyone whether they love me back or not is their business.  I don’t hate anyone based on the color of their skin.  If I hate anything it may be an action committed by someone but I do not see color because that is not how I was raised.  My family is the color of the rainbow.  I am the color of the rainbow…I am African, Mississippi Choctaw, Irish (and am still discovering my heritage). 

Now that’s out the way, far be it from me to play any type of race card.  I don’t look for racism in everything that people do.  I take things at face value because they are what they are and it is what it is. 

Zimmerman, the man who shot and killed Trayvon Martin is a racist.  Do I care what color skin he is in?  Nope.  Did I automatically assume he was white?  Nope.  Do I care that he is mixed white and Hispanic?  Nope (I only know this because the guy mentioned last night that he was Hispanic and then another friend of mine said that he was mixed).  Why don’t I care, because racism knows no color and it can be any color that it chooses.  Contrary to popular belief, black people can be racist.  Did the Black Community play the race card in Trayvon’s senseless murder?  No, we did not, Zimmerman did.  How?  The moment he called him a “fucking coon” during his telephone call to the police dispatcher.  Or how about all the other times he called about a “suspicious” individual and they all happened to be black.  Coincidence you say?  I call that denial (and it isn’t a river in Egypt but is damn sure a deep ass subject).  Zimmerman not only threw race into the mix, he threw the entire deck of race cards at us, lock, stock and one barrel blazing into the chest of an unarmed teenage boy holding a can of tea and a bag of Skittles.  Atrocious doesn’t even begin to cover this.

Let me tell you how it feels to be Black in this country.  Since incidents like this happen far too often, I am not surprised that people still continue to deny that racial profiling happens and on a larger scale than they choose to believe.  I’m sure once I say what I’m about to say I’m going to have a bunch of head bobbing going on because they have experienced it at least once in their life. 

Every time I go into a Department Store, I am followed by the people that work there always under the guise of trying to “help.”  If you ask me once and I tell you I am just looking, don’t stand there while I look or follow me around the store or your section “pretending” to fold shirts that were already folded and for the love of Pete, don’t keep asking me if you can help me, if I wanted your help I will come find you and ask for it.  I know what you’re doing I used to do what you do only I sat behind a camera and did it the only difference?  I followed black, white, Latino and Asian alike.  Did it matter what you had on?  Nope.  Did it matter what color your skin was? Nope.  What mattered is how you were acting and what you were doing.  I caught whites, blacks, Asians and Latinos stealing.  Clothes, jewelry, perfume, CD’s, games, books, cameras, food, you name it, I caught them stealing it.  I even had one woman try to tell me that because she was black like me that she and I were the same.  Um, no sweetheart, I’m not a thief but thanks for fucking it up for the rest of us…again

I remember as a teen walking into Camelot Music Store (am I telling my age on this one???) and as I walked up to the entrance I saw three sales people standing at the counter.  As soon as I walked in I walked up to the wall of cassette tapes (shut it!!!) and they scattered.  One stayed behind the counter, the other came and stood next to me “pretending” to straighten out the cassettes and the other stood behind me “pretending” to put the vinyl records (shhh) into order.  I kind of laughed to myself and when I couldn’t find what I was looking for turned to the one that was next to me and said “while you’re standing there watching me, can you look for this Ralph Tresvant tape with a bunch of remixes of “Do What I Gotta Do” because I can’t find it.”  Needless to say he was sort of stunned but did as I asked him.  Hell, if you’re going to watch me like that, I’m going to put you to work. 

Another time I went into a store with a friend of mine, who happened to be white, and when I walked up to the counter, the woman snarled at me “can I help you” and I told her that I was just looking and her response was “all you people ever do is come in here to look and end up stealing stuff.”  Um, really?!?  Needless to say both of us left the establishment without purchasing a single thing and I don’t know about her, but I never went back.  This same thing happened to me as a child. 

Oh an let’s not forget the time as a child of about 11 years old being spit on and called a “nigga” by three teenage boys who damn near ran me over trying to do it while I walked to school one day.  Oh and the time my now 18 year old was a year old and ran up to this woman and laid her tiny hand on the big, shiny gold clasp on her purse and when the woman turned around she says to me “teaching them young aren’t we?” 

Or how about people clutching their purses closer to them in the elevator, crossing the street as I approach or just pretending you aren’t there?  Ever had any of these things happen to you?  No?  You’re lucky. 

If nothing else it is psychologically draining.  Does this happen to me every day?  Of course it doesn’t, but it does happen, even today.

I mentioned that I had two strikes against me because I’m black and because I’m a woman.  It isn’t my imagination.  It is real.  I’ve told you only some of the things I have experienced because of the color of my skin, but what about being a woman? 

Well, let’s see, I got pregnant with my 23 year old daughter while I was still in high school.  I worked at Pizza Hut as a waitress and I was told that the manager’s boyfriend didn’t like me because “I was one more nigga bitch who is pregnant and going to live off the state to raise that monkey she is carrying.”  She had to remind him that if that were the case, I wouldn’t be working.  Needless to say, I’ve never been on public assistance, ever.  Whether she corrected him on his “colorful” use of the English language is a mystery.

And here’s something that every woman, regardless of color, can appreciate, the recent turning back of the clock to a time where abortions were illegal and we had to use coat hangers.  If that doesn’t suck ass in being a woman (which, by the way I wouldn’t change for the world), then I don’t know what does.  Fellas, leave our uteruses alone please and thank you. 

Having said all of this, racism still exists and until we stand up and shout out that we aren’t going to take it anymore, regardless of the color of skin we are in, it will continue. 

This is why apathy has no place when things like that need to be protested still exist.  Silence surely kills the message.

Double E

Apathy, Racism and Protest Can’t Co-exist: Part I   2 comments

As so many of you are aware, an innocent 17 year old boy was shot dead in Sanford, FL for looking “suspicious.”  He was wearing a hoodie, carrying a can of Arizona Iced Tea and a bag of Skittles.  His only “crime” was that he was black and the person that shot him felt he was in the “wrong” neighborhood.  This crime was subsequently covered up by the Sheriff’s Department and the killer of this young man was free to walk the streets that very night. 

As a show of solidarity and support, people of all colors have come together to protest this senseless crime and cover-up.  By getting the story out there, posting pictures of themselves in hoodies (because you have to admit people, this is not just the attire of black males, whites, Latinos and other races wear them too), blogging about it and making sure that it isn’t just kept hush-hush on radio and television and that this story, that affects all of us, doesn’t get buried and forgotten.

This young man’s name is Trayvon Martin.  His family misses him.  His friends miss him. 

Trayvon is our son, our brothers, our nephews, and our grandsons. 

I posted the picture below on my Facebook page last night and sparked a conversation with someone on my friends list that got beyond heated.  It brought me to tears and Double E doesn’t like to cry. 

 

His thoughts were that by over saturating newsfeeds, television, blogs, etc. with images of this young man, his story, protests and yes, pictures like the one above, would eventually make people immune to the issue. 

Is this what you think? 

If Dr. Martin Luther King, Malcom X, Harriet Elizabeth Beecher Stowe, Sojouner Truth, Harriet Tubman, Frederick Douglas, W. E. B. Dubois and the countless others had given up talking about ending slavery and equality do you think I would be able to sit here and write this blog, go to the same malls, stores, beaches, and use the same public restrooms as everyone else? 

If Susan B. Anthony and the millions of other women that participated in the Suffrage Movement had just “mentioned” their wants and needs “in passing” would I and other women even have the right to vote?  Do you think that the young lady “Roe” would have given me the right to choose what I do with my body if she had merely “mentioned, in passing” that it was her body and no one elses to tell what to do with it or would I and my daughters and your daughters have had to continue to go into back alleys and get rid of children that we could not take care of?

Apathy, silence and mentioning Trayvon Martin in passing did not bring the United States Justice Department headed by Eric Holder, to Sanford, FL.  Loud, continuous protests did.  Being apathetic and letting things die down now only shows that when we stand up for something that we are only “fly by the moment” group of people.  We are not.  Now is not the time to grow silent in this, now is the time to grow louder in our demands and not let the momentum stop until justice has been fully served. 

Trayvon’s memory will not go away into the night slowly nor will the protests die until justice is served.  If you don’t like it, go hide under your rock, plug your ears and cover your eyes while the REST of us stand up and shout for him and everyone else like him that has died at the hands of a racist piece of garbage because it affects not just blacks but every single one of us REGARDLESS of what color your skin.

Double E

You’re kidding me right? How would you handle this one?   4 comments

So Valentine’s Day was a few days ago big freaking whoop.  No, I’m not bitter because I’m single.  I’m actually mad about the whole day because it’s one big robbery courtesy of Hallmark ®, Whitman’s Chocolates ® and FTD ®.  As one friend put it, women are holding men at gun point telling them they better get something for this day or else.  I even saw someone on my newsfeed on Facebook ® say that if she didn’t get flowers delivered to her job she was going to be mad!  Really???!!  It just isn’t that damn serious ladies and if you feel that you need to be validated by this highly overrated day then do you, by all means.  Valentine’s Day is not what I want to talk about though.  I already did that in my blog “What about the other 364 days.” 

Today what I want to talk about is how you would handle someone from your past coming back to you to tell you “they fucked up” and they want to make it up to you.  Let me give the scenario.  You really like this guy and you let him know that you do.  While he acknowledges how you feel he tells you straight up that he isn’t interested in a relationship because he has had his heart broken before by someone and he doesn’t want to be hurt again.  What he doesn’t tell you is that he is actually in love with someone else but denies ever having been in a relationship with this person.

Fast forward several months that the two of you have been hanging out off and on.  Going to the movies, going out to dinner, watching movies at his apartment, etc., but you feel as if you are doing too much and not getting anything really in return, but he says that you are good and that he is okay with how things are; so you just stay in the friend zone, nothing serious, just friends.  So fast forward to him moving to another state because of his job and barely keeping in touch with and when he comes back into town he shows zero to very little interest in hanging out with you.  This is when you find out all the stuff he had been saying about the other woman was a complete fabrication of the truth and she forwards to you emails that he has sent to her professing his undying love for her.  Cool.  You back off and leave it alone even though you’re pissed off because yet another knee-grow has lied to you when all you asked for was the truth. This also explains, among other things, why you didn’t see him the last time he was in town.

So he goes back from wince he came and you talk off and on and you are ok with that.  Your birthday comes and you get a phone call, from him.  You think it’s odd but you go with it because heck, he’s the only person outside your family that has called you to wish you a happy birthday anyway.  You talk for hours about absolutely nothing because you’re friends but the one question that he asked that some men like to do is “what’s going on with you?” 

Now I was suspicious of this question from jump because experience has taught me that when a man asks that question what he really wants to know is if you’re seeing anyone but instead of simply asking that question he feels the need to talk in some sort of “code” language, but I get it and I go along with it simply saying there isn’t anything going on with me because it wasn’t and it still isn’t. 

A few months go by and you don’t hear from him any more until you get a few emails from him asking how things are going and that infamous “what’s going on with you?” and idle chit chat.  He sends a few pictures of himself at work and that’s cool.  He has a pretty cool job even if someone called it being a “parking lot attendant” (inside joke and if you’re reading this you know you said it).  Then from out of left field he tells you that he “made a mistake” in picking the other girl over you because she was all about drama and wanting to be the center of attention (not that he already didn’t know this but whatever) which is why she is the way she is.  You knew that because you know her.  Bag lady doesn’t even begin to cover it. 

Now this new revelation catches you completely off guard because you had no idea that he was even contemplating going there with you but he assures you that it isn’t a joke on his part.  Every question you throw at him, he has a response for.

Now my first instinct regardless of what he says is “paha!!!  He’s full of more shit than the combined assholes in Congress.”  I’m still feeling that way because after two plus years you can’t just suddenly feel like you made a mistake when you haven’t shown any signs that you were even interested. 

Now readers, what do you think?  I have asked some of my closer friends and it’s funny that one guy says “give him a chance because guys make stupid mistakes” and other guys (I have a lot of guy friends that are all plutonic) say “hell no, keep it moving!”  The ladies all say the same thing I do.  So I’m asking others what do you think, should he be given a chance or told to talk a long walk off a short pier?

Double E

Posted February 16, 2012 by doublee42 in Relationships

Walking away: It’s not as easy as you would think but real friends make it easier   1 comment

I have some very interesting friends and former high school classmates.  They say the darnedest things on Facebook® and they are more often than not the truth.  Very much like what I would say to one of my friends when they come to me seeking it.  Today is a good example of something profound that one of them said on her status message. 

As we all know, Whitney Houston passed away this weekend in a scene that could only be described as tragic.  We all know that at one point in her life she was strung out on drugs and had gotten herself cleaned up and was attempting to make a comeback into music.   While we don’t know what she died from (people are guessing and assuming it was a drug overdose when there was absolutely no evidence of it) it is still a great loss in the music industry.   Early on, Ms. Houston had made a comment about her ex husband, Bobby Brown, being her drug.  This apparently got my former classmate to thinking about it and she said, in a nutshell, anything or anyone that is bad for you or keeping you from your walk with God that you need to “kick the habit.” 

Well this got me to thinking about what my bad habits are and/or were.  I readily admit that like Ms. Houston, my DEH used to be my “drug.”  I say this because when we parted company, my world had revolved around him and our children.  While my world still somewhat revolves around my two younger children, it no longer does with my DEH or anyone else for that matter. 

I have to admit that when I was going through my separation and divorce it was difficult for me to let go.  I had spent the better part of my life with one person and walking away, or giving up, was not in my DNA.  I almost felt like I was going through withdrawal like a person addicted to crack or heroine.  The pain may not have been as severe as what one who is actually on those drugs goes through but for me it was very real and it hurt like hell. 

When do you realize that it is time to walk away from that?  I can honestly say for me I walked away or “kicked the habit” when I got that phone call from my DEH’s then girlfriend.  But what was going on with me that prevented me from kicking that habit that was my DEH for so long?  I knew that he was toxic for me but I didn’t want to admit it. 

He showed all the classic symptoms of being a sociopath.  No, not that sociopath, but the other one where they just don’t give a shit about anything but themselves.  He also displayed all the classic signs of having suffered from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and he had never been in a combat situation but keep in mind that one does not necessarily have to experience combat for this to happen.  That’s why it’s called “post traumatic” because any traumatic situation can happen that would cause you to be that way.  I really thought something was wrong with him mentally but then I realized it wasn’t him; it was me. 

He was my drug and I needed to kick that habit in a hurry. 

My biggest fear was being angry and bitter for the rest of my life.  Most would think that the way I acted it would have been being alone but it wasn’t.  I had been alone for years before I was “alone” so being alone didn’t bother me it actually excited me a little because I had never been on my own before.  I had gone from living with my mother to living with him to being married to him.  As my mother pointed out, I had always had someone there to take care of me.  As a side note, I’m not really sure he took care of me because I did it all so I took care of myself and him because he was there. 

Then when I took a really good look around I realized that I had been in this place for several years and I had no real friends.  The only real friend I had moved away and had gone back to Texas.  Other than that all I had was associates and acquaintances.  It’s funny because before she left I had told her that she was the only “anchor” that I had to people we used to work with and that when she left, no one would be calling me to go hang out.  She said that it wasn’t true well, imagine her surprise when I told her that no one called me and no one asked me to go out with them since she left.  I knew it was going to happen but that was ok with me because I was always the quiet one of the group and didn’t do all the gossiping and bullshit that a lot of women do when they get together.  Besides, I was still going through my separation and divorce when she left and I’m pretty sure had they called me to go out with them they would all only want to know what was going on and then I would turn into the office gossip when they went back to work.  Thanks but no thanks.  The saying if they talk about others to you they are talking about you to others is so true.

So I set out to make new friends.  Not as easy as one would think but I made it happen and now I have friends, real friends.  With these friends, they made it easy for me to kick my habit of my DEH and walk away from him. They took my mind off of him and my situation if only for a little while when we hung out together.  They have also made it easier to forget him and all the toxicity that was him.  He was no good for me and deep down I knew he wasn’t even though I held on to him for dear life, it was through Him and my friends here on earth, that I was able to finally let him go.

So to all my real friends (and I know you know who you are), thank you for being in my life.  Thanks for being there for me, giving me the shoulder to cry on the ear to listen and the arms (be they virtual or real) that gave me a hug when that was all I needed.  My mother and my best friend, who know aren’t reading this, thank you two as well.  Without all of you I wouldn’t have been able to walk away.  You all made it easier.  And for You, thank you for that little voice in my head and my heart that I know is You telling me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear and when I wasn’t being still and listening, thanks for sending your angels to tell me what I refused to hear. 

If you find yourself in a situation where you find it difficult to walk away from but you know that you should, be still and listen.  Your friends, your real friends are talking to you too.  Walking away is easier with them than without.

 

Double E

Posted February 13, 2012 by doublee42 in Relationships

What People Need to Know about the Courts when it comes to Child Support and Custody: Especially my men!!!   14 comments

****DISCLAIMER****

I am NOT an attorney. I just work for them. Any information given in this blog can be found on the internet.  The information contained in this blog is general in nature and may not necessarily be the law in your state.  The information contained herein should not nor should it ever take the place of that of attorney licensed to practice law in your state.  I encourage you to seek the advice of an attorney if you have further questions or concerns.

Now that the formalities are out the way, let’s get down to the real business.  Yesterday I talked about how a woman spends child support is not the business of the father unless the child isn’t being taken care of.  This apparently is a really sore spot for a lot of the gentlemen and even some of the ladies.  There are some trifling ass people in this world on both sides of this and since the most complaints came from the gentlemen about how the court system is designed to “empower the woman” I decided that since I work in the legal field (again not an attorney) that I would give you all some information that you may or may not know.

Let me start by saying that the court system is not your enemy if you know how to work it.  The key is knowledge.  Don’t listen to these “armchair attorneys” (men/women who have been through “it” before, etc.) and for the love of Pete, don’t listen to anyone at the courts either because they aren’t equipped to give you sound legal advice; and by law they aren’t supposed to (this is meant for the clerks in the court, secretaries, etc.).  Hell from what I’ve seen a lot of court appointed attorneys don’t give advice worth a shit either because their case load is too heavy and they just want you to plead out or take the “easy” route instead.  Don’t do it guys.  This is how you end up being railroaded into serving time for shit you didn’t do, serving more time than you should for shit you did do and being ran the hell over by a Mack truck, a train, a boat and a car when it comes to having to pay child support to some trifling girl you slept with and didn’t protect yourself.

Keeping in mind that a lot of people feel that the courts were designed to give women all the power and that isn’t necessarily true.  Let’s put it like this, men designed the court system and in our society, in all societies, it is believed that women should take care of the children this is why more often than not, they get custody of the kids and it takes damn near an act of congress in order for her to lose it.  Being a crack head whore isn’t enough either these days.  While is hard for a man to get custody of his children it isn’t impossible.  He just needs to know what to do.

If you don’t do anything else, if you have any reason to believe that the child in question is not yours then the moment she takes you to court for child support, request a paternity test.  In this day and age, even if you firmly believe that the child is yours, ask for it anyway.  She might get pissed the hell off but it will definitely save you from having to pay child support on a child that isn’t yours.  Also, for the record, don’t ever waive your right to have a paternity test.  If it is determined that the child isn’t yours then you need not go any further.  If, on the other hand, it is determined that the child is yours the next thing I’m going to tell you is going to be crucial.

Some of you seem to think that you can’t get joint custody of your child if you aren’t married.  That is so false it’s ridiculous.  You have just as much right to your child as she does.  Too many times men just give over full custody to these women then whine about how much child support they have to pay and they don’t ever get to see their child.  Well guess what?  You may have visitation if she went through the court system but if you aren’t going to press the issue then why bother with the visitation?  Seeking joint custody along with the visitation gives you the power to tell her to kiss your ass when she tries to hold the children hostage because you aren’t paying child support.  That is a definite no-go.  That piece of paper signed by a judge gives you just as much rights to see your children whether you are paying or not.  Joint custody with one parent having physical custody is in your best interest if you want to be a part of your child’s life (and you should want to be).  THIS should be your number one priority when you get slapped with a child support suit.

Now let’s talk about how child support is calculated.  I’m going use Virginia since this is where I live.  Some states do it differently but for the most part it’s pretty much done the same way across the board.  Your individual state should have a website that will help you calculate how much you should be paying.  Here in Virginia a formula is used to calculate how much the custodial parent gets (the one that has physical custody of the child).  This is based on your verifiable income and her verifiable income.  If she has no income but has the potential get be gainfully employed, Virginia will take that into consideration as well.  So if she wants to work that minimum wage job that’s her business but it will be counted as income for her and if she is on all kinds of public assistance, guess what?  You’ll be paying the state back and she won’t see a dime of your money (so you know exactly where it’s going to go).  The online form for Virginia can be found on Virginia Department of Social Services (DSS) website at Virginia Department of Social Services .

Coincidentally, I found out that something very interesting for those who want to quit their jobs in order to get their child support reduced (and maybe even increased) the following:

Any career change, any investment, is by nature a voluntary act. We do not perceive the law defining obligations of child support to be intended to frustrate ambition or enterprise. Therefore, we construe the term “voluntary act” to describe a willful act done for the purpose of frustrating the feasibility or enforceability of the support obligation. Thus, an applicant who shows a reduced ability to satisfy his obligation, which is not due to his wrongdoing, his neglect of his affairs, or his intentional diminution of his financial capacity other than in connection with a bona fide and reasonable business undertaking, is entitled to have that reduction considered along with the other usual factors, including his general earning capability, in determining his child support obligation.*

*Source:  Family Law Blog

How I found this information out was quite by accident because my DEH tried to say because he lost a certain portion of his income (a bonus that was given to him monthly because of his particular job) that the court should take into account that he would no longer be receiving it.  My attorney dropped this bit of knowledge on him the judge basically told him too bad so sad.  He didn’t get the amount reduced.  So don’t think that if you quit your job, voluntarily get a lower paying job, etc. that Virginia courts are going to take pity on you because they won’t they just don’t want to have to pay to raise your child so they are going to make you keep your “good paying job” and as a matter of principle you should want to anyway this is, after all, your child’s wellbeing we are talking about.

Now I know I’ve not shared a whole lot of information but I’ve given you all just enough to be dangerous.  Google is your friend and you can find out this stuff on your own if you just look for it.  Child support issues tend to be a highly emotionally charged time for everyone.  People are bitter, angry and hurt about the whole situation and no one is thinking with a clear head when they get hit with the papers.  Clearing your head and thinking of the big picture will help you in the end.  Just keep your wits about you.

Now I’m about to give you some “motherly” advice as only Double E knows how, straight from the hip and not pulling any punches:

  1.  If you aren’t ready to have children then don’t.  It’s just that simple.  Protect yourself at all costs.  Use condoms every single time you have sex and buy your own and use your own condoms and dispose of them yourself.  This doesn’t mean throw them away in HER bathroom, take that shit and wrap it up in a paper towel and take it with you and dispose of.  Extreme and doing too much you say?  HA!  Check out this article and then get back to me on how “extreme and doing too much” it is. (Trifling woman).  It’s not even a joke folks. Trifling ass women do this shit daily!
  2. Be mindful of who you are sleeping with.  This goes for both men and women.  If you know this man has several kids by several different women and you know he isn’t taking care of them then what in the world makes you think that he is going to take care of you and yours?  You don’t have the magic poo-nanny that will make him do better and your name isn’t Ms. Sunshine.  The same thing for you gentlemen.  If she has what they called “the disease” back in my day (all kinds of kids with all kinds of men, more than likely doesn’t even know who their fathers are and keeps on having them just to get a check) then your “jimmy” isn’t going to change that and what you need to do is take my advice from #1 or just avoid her ass all together (i.e., run like hell in the opposite direction and FAST).
  3. If you do have children, don’t keep having them and not taking care of them.  That child or those children did not ask to be here and they are your responsibility not the states responsibility.  If you know damn well you aren’t taking care of yourself worth a shit then bringing another person into this world that you won’t take care of isn’t helping them or you.  Get your shit together before you bring someone else into it and ruin their life.

Double E

Posted February 10, 2012 by doublee42 in Things I see

Child Support: What she does with the money is not your concern or is it?   13 comments

Ok gentlemen, this one is for those of you who pay child support regularly and feel that you should know exactly how the custodial parent spends the money or believe that the money should go directly to the child without the custodial parent touching it at all, as if it is some sort of trust fund for when they reach a certain age or something.  I have male friends who gripe about this all the time and I’ve seen men gripe about this online when this very subject is broached.  As the custodial parent of two minor children still in high school, I’m here to tell you that unless you actually have physical custody of the child(ren) then what she does with the money is none of your business unless the kids are walking around looking raggedy and unkempt, they aren’t being fed and their living conditions are horrendous (in other words, they are homeless); then and only then should you have a serious problem with how the money is spent. 

Using myself as an example, as I only know how, I get child support from my DEH for our two kids.  In the beginning he balked at even having to pay because he also had to pay me (spousal support) and that was the rub.  His argument was that I would only use the money to pay “my bills.”  Ok, let me just toss this out there for the record, I love my children dearly and wouldn’t trade either one of them for the world and killing someone about them goes without saying (even though I just said I would), but a child is a bill and the older they get the more expensive they become.  So if you aren’t a witness to this on a daily basis then you have no clue exactly how much they cost.  I can say he had a taste of it when they were babies but he has no clue exactly how much they cost now that they are older.  Even my daughter said she felt bad because she felt like she had come home every day for a solid week asking for money (this is when I first lost my job) and it’s because she did. 

Let me explain how the money is spent:  That car I drive to work every day?  That car is also a taxi to get the kids to the doctor, dentist, to the school when necessary and to every other extra-curricular activity that they partake in and back home.  So if it breaks down and I use the child support money to get it fixed, guess what?  That was for the benefit of the children and not just me because I drive it.  That roof over their head in the form of a house or an apartment, yes that one; rent/mortgage is due on that every month along with insurance (renters) and if something breaks down in the house, yes, it must be fixed.  If I use the money to get it fixed, it’s for the benefit of the children.  That credit card I used because I didn’t have any cash at the time to get the $500 plus in school supplies that they needed at the beginning of school and the $500 I spent on school clothes and shoes per kid, if I use the money to pay that credit card off, it was for the benefit of the children.  Those shoes they needed in the middle of the year because the ones you bought at the beginning of the year are all but gone, yes that is for the benefit of the child.  Those groceries that they eat daily  (and if you have a son like mine he can put away a lot of food in one single sitting and still claim to be hungry) those don’t just fall out of the sky into the cabinets and the fridge and freezer; yes, that’s what the money goes towards. Because you all don’t see how the money is spent or how it benefits the child you automatically assume she is doing something other than what she is supposed to be doing with the money. 

Don’t get me wrong, there are some trifling ass women out there who don’t use the money for its intended purpose and their kids are walking around looking homeless.  Those are the ones that even I have issue with as a parent.  She’s not working but she gets her hair and nails done every week, she goes shopping for her every day; yes, those are the ones that give the ones like me a bad name.  I’m not that woman.  I actually detest shopping and mall is a four-letter curse word to me.  But just like you gentlemen don’t like being lumped in with all the other less than desirable men, don’t lump all of us ladies who are doing the right thing with the child support in with the ones who aren’t doing the right thing. 

Having said all of this, if you feel that she isn’t using the child support in the way that is beneficial to the children (and you can’t just go in half cocked because you’re mad) you have to have proof of it.  If every single time you get your kids and they look like they are homeless and unkempt and they claim to not have eaten or there’s no food in the house, do some investigating first.  I say investigate because my kids claim there is no food in the house and that’s a lie, there’s plenty they just don’t want to cook it because I don’t buy processed food bits for them to throw in the microwave. 

If you feel that you have sufficient proof of things then take her back to court for custody of the child(ren) and have your ducks in a row.  Make her prove that she is doing what she is supposed to do with the money.  If used properly, the courts are your friends, but you can’t just sit around and complain about it and do nothing about it because it’s your children(ren) who suffer the most when things aren’t being done right by them and you can’t make her life hell by not paying the support because you “don’t like what she does with the money.”  Again, it’s not your business if your kids are taken care of properly.

Now on the flip side, just because she isn’t buying the latest fashion for your kids or the most expensive shoes (those $200+ Jordan’s are not necessary) then don’t bother.   This isn’t a fashion show and necessity is the name of the game.  They don’t need an X-box, Play Station, Jordan’s, or any other name brands you can think of because as my grandmother used to say “if you want someone’s name plastered across your ass, I can sew your name on your pants and you can have at it.”  It should be noted that my actual first name is or was at one point famous in the fashion industry and I believe that is why my grandmother said that.  *ha ha ha*

But here’s the best advice of all, if you don’t want to take care of your kids then stop getting women pregnant.  Spreading your seed and not taking care of your seed isn’t cute and only perpetuates the cycle of single mothers struggling to raise children on their own with or without your help.  While she bears responsibility in this too, you all should take extra steps to make sure you are covered because like I said, there are some trifling women out here who will take advantage of a man with money so it’s to protect you if nothing else.

 

Double E