Don’t take my brain 😢

I don’t usually share things about my personal life but this has me a little shaken and I’m going to go ahead and admit that.

See, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS) in March but got a second opinion in September, basically confirming the diagnosis.

Two active lesions on my brain that were initially found. I knew something was wrong because even if no one else noticed, I noticed.

Slurred speech, couldn’t write my own name and constantly dropping things. Numbness, tingling and couldn’t feel anything in my right hand. After my stay in the hospital, I had to do physical therapy to regain some strength in that hand and hand coordination. My kids made me practice writing the alphabet in cursive and print. Even though I laughed at myself, to keep from crying, my handwriting wasn’t mine on certain letters in the same spot. This is how you knew where the lesions were on my brain and what was affected by it.

My handwriting got back to normal with a lot of practice as did my speech but I do some times forget simple words or lose my train of thought in the middle of talking but I have been actively working on that and I’ve been doing better at not losing the conversion in the middle of it, but still working on remembering simple words. Doing crossword puzzles again is helping with that. I can tell when I’m tited because I will struggle with an answer I know but will either skip and come back or put the puzzle down for a minute and come back and fill in all the answers that wouldn’t come to me.

I’ve always prided myself on having my wits about me and I will even admit, I’m a bit of a snob when it comes to intelligence. It’s sexy to me.

Today I had another MRI to check to see if there was any new activity. There were two new lesions that weren’t active. They don’t know when they happened but they are there.

I’m scared. Now.

I can honestly say that I don’t care if I’m never able to walk without assistance or need a wheelchair, I just don’t want my mind taken from me. 😢😔

My grandmother died from dementia. How scary it must have been to be trapped in your head and not knowing what is happening but everything is foreign to you. You don’t recognize your children, your grandchildren, how to eat, swallow, take care of yourself, but you remember things that happened 30 + years ago as if it happened yesterday.

I’m afraid of being trapped in my own head. It’s already a messy place all in its own.

I’m scared.

Don’t take my mind from me.

😢